You are currently browsing the monthly archive for September 2010.
i have so much inside me, but i don’t know how to express it. i have really felt the need to update, but i just don’t know what to say.
things are bumping along. i’ve lost some more weight so that is good. still not sleeping & even taking two of the sleeping pills i’m awake in a couple of hours.
my online social life is good. i’ve been swapping messages with a few guys from a dating site & one asked me on a date. i’m just not sure if i’m ready to commit to a date. but i think i’m going to do it. the one guy i was really interested in from the site seems to have lost interest. & off the site, there is a guy i have been MMO friends with for a few years, & i have come to like him more than i think i should. especially this year we have become closer & he’s even opened up to me about his personal life & taken an interest in mine. sometimes i think he likes me as more than a friend, actually i’m sure he does, but then, i don’t know. i think we are both afraid to make a move. we have been friends for too long to risk it i guess. but he makes me incredibly happy but he also breaks my heart, all without knowledge. i just really need to get out in the real world & find someone. i know i could if i’d just open myself up & take the chance, but now just isn’t the time. i don’t feel like i have anything to offer another person, certainly nothing to brag about. but it would be really nice to have someone special in my real life.
ok, my sleeping pills are kicking in, so going to bed.
Bipolar Disorder & the Americans with Disabilities Act
Chronic Stress Leaves Mark On Depression, Bipolar Genes
Mood Vs Behavior Disorder (this is a good one for me. if i could/would improve my behaviors i believe my mood would improve, but there in lies the rub.)
i’m taking the higher dose of lamitrogine. it’s only been a couple of weeks, but not feeling any better. i’m respecting the psych nurses decisions to wait & see if we can get the dosing of this one drug right before we add anything else, but i wouldn’t mind getting an antidepressant sometime soon.
i skipped a couple of WW meetings, so I really, really meant to go yesterday. I was not feeling it & farted around till i didn’t even have time to take a shower first, & i really needed one. but i pushed myself to go & washed up quick before hand. not having a shower, & that i really needed to do laundry so my clean clothing choices were down the stuff i don’t wear much for various reasons, added to my discomfort, but i went & just kept to myself (which is actually pretty typical). well, i went to the bathroom & looking at myself in the mirror i wanted to run away, but you know how shitty everyone looks in fluorescent lighting. so i stayed the course & went in & got in line for weigh-in. while i was in line i was so stressed, i felt like crying & even noticed my hands shaking as i help my card & book. but i held on & made it through the line, weighing in, & stayed for the whole meeting. i lost 6.2lbs over the last 3wks. yay! so a total of 17.something lbs lost. yay again! so i even made sure to stick around to get my gold star after the meeting. so i did it. i hated it, but i did it. go me! i have been slacking on my walking, but next week will be better.
i had to push back my therapy appt on the 3rd because of court being earlier than i had expected. so my appt is next week. i also had to push back my psych appt because i had to see the counselor first, so that is early october. sadly, i’m not sure i will make it next week even. the ticket & traffic school really put a bite on my income this month, so i have been holding on to $11 for my appt. if i only do a half hour instead of a full hour, but the issue will be gas to get there & back. i won’t ask anyone for the money, so i’ll have to see what i can dig up. i don’t want to have to push it back again, because then it will have to be in october & that will also mean pushing my psych appt back, too, which will likely mean running out of meds since i only get 30dys at a time. i think i can do it though. i have a little savings i can tap. i hate to bust into it, but isn’t that what savings is for? oh yeah, i hadn’t even thought about the 2nd savings acct i have here in town. it isn’t much, but i can get a little of it out to buy some gas. yay! problem solved. i need to start adding more to it at some point. i started it several months ago, & have only made one withdrawal, but i have never made a deposit beyond the opening. i have a savings acct linked to my checking acct too, but that regularly gets used. i try. every time i use my debit card $1 is transferred to the savings acct, so it never gets too big, but it does build up a little, so i have a little spare fundage when i need it. i also have a $100 transferred into it at the beginning of the month, but that ends up just being held so i have something for the last half of the month. oh well.
my budgeting is going well. it was very eye opening to make a list of all my bills & other reg pymts like med costs & appts. & the spreadsheet i made lets me track all that, & special expenses for the month, then take what’s left over & divide among either four or five weeks, depending on the month. that gives me a clear view of what i can spend from week to week, & still have all my bills/expenses covered. ok, so i hate living on a budget, & what i have in a week sucks. i haven’t yet been very good at keeping within my weekly, but the overage goes to the next week & okay, i end with nothing or next to it the end of the month, but it is better than it was & i can relax a little knowing i don’t have to worry about a bill coming through i can’t pay, or not having the money for my pills or appts. this month not withstanding.
i should be asleep, but i just don’t care. i feel like crying, but i’m too numb. i wish somebody cared. i wish somebody was here to hold my hand. i wish i could reach out to someone. i wish i had someone to reach out to. i wish i was dead.
i wish i could stop wishing i was dead. but i can’t stop. it keeps going, running round & round inside my head. i keep thinking about the rat poison now. or just running away. i just wish this would end. i’m so tired. tired of everything. tired of this place. as it stands, i have nothing to live for. there is nothing in my life for me to hold on to. no one to miss me if i’m gone. my life is as empty as i am.
i feel so alone.
I feel like no one could ever love me. no one will ever love me. i asked the magic 8 ball & it told me i would never find my forever love.
i feel hopeless & useless & worthless & disgusting.
i want to change, but it doesn’t feel worth it. i don’t feel worth it. why does it matter?
i feel like i’m losing my mind.
i don’t feel like the world things i’m worth the effort either.
i want to disappear.
drop off the face of the earth.
i want to cease to exist.
i feel invisible.
i want to put a bullet in my head.
everything is so hard.
i’m tired of feeling empty & numb & worthless.
i’m tired of being ugly & lazy & stupid & useless.
i’m just tired. none of it matters. this doesn’t matter. i don’t matter.
why bother?
i can’t get to a gun, but i do have access to household chemicals, including rat poison. i have been researching what eating the rat poison would do to me. i’m just so tired. i don’t think i’ll ever be happy again.
Odd title I know. But the fact is I feel like those babies. The Anti Abortionists care so much about making sure those babies aren’t killed, but once the babies are born, where are they? Nowhere, that’s where. They only care about fetuses, not children. How is that like my friends? Because they seem to only be interested when there is some drama, they don’t care about the day to day.
I feel abandoned, ignored by the people who are supposed to be my closest friends, & that makes me sad. They have lives, boyfriends, jobs, husbands, kids, friends, they live in cities where there is stuff to do. I don’t have the privilege of any of that. I have emails that at least half the time get no response. I have facebook where most of the time I don’t get any response to my post & it is rarely any of the people I’m closest to. I have this blog, but guess what? They don’t read this either. I am unsupported.
So, I post about something that matters & I’m ignored. They can’t be bothered to give any acknowledgment they even read it. They say they do, then have no idea what I’m talking about when I mention something I posted. I don’t expect them to remember everything or comment on everything, but damn, there’s a certain level required, especially consider how much I respond to their posts & when I see them commenting on other people’s stuff. Yet I make a post today that I’m taking an indefinite break from Fb, & my inbox is swamped with comments & messages wanting to know what’s going on, did something happen?, we’re going to miss you.
Bull shit! How they fuck are you doing to miss somebody you don’t pay any fucking attention to? I might as well be a ghost. It’s no wonder why I have the really bad spells I feel like a ghost, as though I died & just never realized it. I am dead, on the inside. I am a ghost here. When I want to kill myself it’s all “oh please don’t we love you, we’ll missyou”, but after that where are they? Not here. Sure as fuck not hear. How the fuck are you going to miss somebody who has no place in your life? You’re not. If I died today the only thing they’d miss is a facebook friend. My purpose in life is not to be your facbook friend!
I know I’m not the most communicative person, I have my spells, but you know I do try. I’m just fucking tired of being ignored. I don’t need friends to make me feel alone. I feel like that everyday without them. In fact, I would rather just not have anyone who claims they are my friend if they can’t be a real friend who can support me, & not just being around when it’s big drama & they get to feel like they’re saving me or something. How about being there along the way, so maybe I don’t get so low I want to die? I just fucking want somebody to pay attention to me. I would like to feel like I matter to someone. As it stands, I do not. At least not to my friens. It’s really disappointing.
I had a long, tough day, & I am just tired of it. I really don’t see the point in living if even my friends don’t give a shit. I don’t need or want people who are only interested in the drama. But, I do have friends who actually bother to reach out to me. They don’t live close by, but they are always sending me messages wanting to come visit because they miss hanging out with me. When they find themselves in the area they call me. Versus the friend who always wants me to visit her at her house or her family’s when she is visiting there. I am an hour from her house & a half hour from her family, yet she drives right through my town on her way back & forth, goes by just 5mins from me, & I can’t get her to stop & meet me at a place on the highway. That’s how bad she wants to see me. She only wants to see me when it’s easy for her. If it requires any effort, I’m not worth it.
I’m just so fucking tired of this shit. I hate this town, too. I’m so fucking ready to run away. I’d love to find somewhere I could have real friends who care about me & want to spend time with me, & will actually care about what is going on in my life instead of being to fucking absorbed in their own drama to pay attention to what is happening to me.
I just want to cry so bad, but I’m not allowed to cry. One I cried myself out sometime ago. I’m dry at this point. Plus, because of the issues I have, it is always seen as some sort of emergency, as though by crying I’m trying to drown myself.
I’m tired of being disappointed.
I’m tired of being let down.
I’m tired of being inconvenient.
I’m tired of being ignored.
I’m tired of listening to so called friends talk shit about how much the love me when all they’re doing is blowing smoke up my ass.
I don’t want to have to die to get anyone to give a shit.
But that’s fine. I’m going to focus on the real friends in my life & let the rest of them stew.
