You are currently browsing the daily archive for October 22, 2010.
i’m not sleeping. i sleep maybe 5hrs at night, & not even every night. sometimes i only sleep every other day. i don’t want to sleep. i don’t want to lay there doing nothing. even if it seems like i do nothing all the time to ppl, i’m always writing or planning or making lists or making something or listing to something or reading something or chatting w ppl, though i always put on my happy face & never talk about how i feel. it’s why i have this. nobody reads it. i can say how i really feel & it doesn’t matter. some of my friends used to read it, but nobody does any more. i guess i’m just too much to deal with. which is why i know it is for the best i keep to myself & only deal with ppl online. ppl don’t really like me. they like an idea of me, the funny, happy, nice me. they don’t like who i really am.
but i’m tired of being alone. i’m tired of being this person. i’m tired of me. i’m just so tired. i’ve been crying. running a mental inventory of what i have access to that would kill me. sometimes i think i’m just drama, but tonight it feels so strong. i was “practice cutting” last year, barely managed to draw blood, but i was working on getting passed the fear of hurting myself to be able to slit my wrists & died. i got put in residential treatment for that. tonight feels like that. i can see myself doing it in my mind so vividly, & feel the blade in my wrists. i called the suicide hotline, but only ended up whining & crying, & then getting angry & hanging up on the guy.
i don’t know what i’m going to do w myself. i’m so tired of feeling this way. i feel hopeless & worthless. i have no reason to live. nothing matters. i’ve ruined my life. i’ve lost so much. so many painful memories. i just wish it would stop. & nobody can tell me why i should live. what purpose do i have? what do i have to live for? what does it matter if i’m dead.
i wish i had the guts to do it. i’m thinking about dropping out of counseling too. there’s really no point to it. it doesn’t change things. & i don’t want to go back there anymore. i’m really angry, really hurt & let down. i just wish it was over now. my life is so worthless.
is all we have, but what do you do when you don’t even have that?
ok, so after asking this question, Lonestar’s “Mountains” came on. (no, i don’t need to explain why i’m listening to country to you. :~p)
“There are times in life when you gotta crawl,
Lose your grip, trip and fall
When you can’t lean on no one else,
That’s when you find yourself”(Lyrics from CowboyLyrics.com)
sounds about right.
