i’m not sleeping. i sleep maybe 5hrs at night, & not even every night. sometimes i only sleep every other day. i don’t want to sleep. i don’t want to lay there doing nothing. even if it seems like i do nothing all the time to ppl, i’m always writing or planning or making lists or making something or listing to something or reading something or chatting w ppl, though i always put on my happy face & never talk about how i feel. it’s why i have this. nobody reads it. i can say how i really feel & it doesn’t matter. some of my friends used to read it, but nobody does any more. i guess i’m just too much to deal with. which is why i know it is for the best i keep to myself & only deal with ppl online. ppl don’t really like me. they like an idea of me, the funny, happy, nice me. they don’t like who i really am.
but i’m tired of being alone. i’m tired of being this person. i’m tired of me. i’m just so tired. i’ve been crying. running a mental inventory of what i have access to that would kill me. sometimes i think i’m just drama, but tonight it feels so strong. i was “practice cutting” last year, barely managed to draw blood, but i was working on getting passed the fear of hurting myself to be able to slit my wrists & died. i got put in residential treatment for that. tonight feels like that. i can see myself doing it in my mind so vividly, & feel the blade in my wrists. i called the suicide hotline, but only ended up whining & crying, & then getting angry & hanging up on the guy.
i don’t know what i’m going to do w myself. i’m so tired of feeling this way. i feel hopeless & worthless. i have no reason to live. nothing matters. i’ve ruined my life. i’ve lost so much. so many painful memories. i just wish it would stop. & nobody can tell me why i should live. what purpose do i have? what do i have to live for? what does it matter if i’m dead.
i wish i had the guts to do it. i’m thinking about dropping out of counseling too. there’s really no point to it. it doesn’t change things. & i don’t want to go back there anymore. i’m really angry, really hurt & let down. i just wish it was over now. my life is so worthless.
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April 17, 2011 at 9:58 pm
Gabriel...
The fact you’ve asked all those questions isn’t a sign if weakness, it’s a sign you still want to keep going. The problem, however, is we’ve already decided on the answer. What purpose do you have? When we’re depressed the only answer we can ever find is “none” and “who cares”. You’re looking at the world through a haze, mist, whatever, put there by the depression. How can you possibly find answers to your questions when the depression has obscured everything that offers an answer other than “none” and “who cares”?
Manic depression is a disease that kills more people than cancer. It does everything it can to convince you you’re not worth saving. That’s its job. It wants you to fail, it wants you to believe the lies it tells you.
Your job is to find treatment. To find a way to break through the bullshit the manic depression is telling you so you can see yourself for who you are.
You are not the disease. Manic depression is, literally, just a tiny clear drop of liquid on a slide. That’s it. You can beat it back, and I know this because most of us make it through. Treatment works.
You’re not alone.
http://saltedlithium.wordpress.com/fighting/