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i have so much inside me, but i don’t know how to express it. i have really felt the need to update, but i just don’t know what to say.
things are bumping along. i’ve lost some more weight so that is good. still not sleeping & even taking two of the sleeping pills i’m awake in a couple of hours.
my online social life is good. i’ve been swapping messages with a few guys from a dating site & one asked me on a date. i’m just not sure if i’m ready to commit to a date. but i think i’m going to do it. the one guy i was really interested in from the site seems to have lost interest. & off the site, there is a guy i have been MMO friends with for a few years, & i have come to like him more than i think i should. especially this year we have become closer & he’s even opened up to me about his personal life & taken an interest in mine. sometimes i think he likes me as more than a friend, actually i’m sure he does, but then, i don’t know. i think we are both afraid to make a move. we have been friends for too long to risk it i guess. but he makes me incredibly happy but he also breaks my heart, all without knowledge. i just really need to get out in the real world & find someone. i know i could if i’d just open myself up & take the chance, but now just isn’t the time. i don’t feel like i have anything to offer another person, certainly nothing to brag about. but it would be really nice to have someone special in my real life.
ok, my sleeping pills are kicking in, so going to bed.
i’m taking the higher dose of lamitrogine. it’s only been a couple of weeks, but not feeling any better. i’m respecting the psych nurses decisions to wait & see if we can get the dosing of this one drug right before we add anything else, but i wouldn’t mind getting an antidepressant sometime soon.
i skipped a couple of WW meetings, so I really, really meant to go yesterday. I was not feeling it & farted around till i didn’t even have time to take a shower first, & i really needed one. but i pushed myself to go & washed up quick before hand. not having a shower, & that i really needed to do laundry so my clean clothing choices were down the stuff i don’t wear much for various reasons, added to my discomfort, but i went & just kept to myself (which is actually pretty typical). well, i went to the bathroom & looking at myself in the mirror i wanted to run away, but you know how shitty everyone looks in fluorescent lighting. so i stayed the course & went in & got in line for weigh-in. while i was in line i was so stressed, i felt like crying & even noticed my hands shaking as i help my card & book. but i held on & made it through the line, weighing in, & stayed for the whole meeting. i lost 6.2lbs over the last 3wks. yay! so a total of 17.something lbs lost. yay again! so i even made sure to stick around to get my gold star after the meeting. so i did it. i hated it, but i did it. go me! i have been slacking on my walking, but next week will be better.
i had to push back my therapy appt on the 3rd because of court being earlier than i had expected. so my appt is next week. i also had to push back my psych appt because i had to see the counselor first, so that is early october. sadly, i’m not sure i will make it next week even. the ticket & traffic school really put a bite on my income this month, so i have been holding on to $11 for my appt. if i only do a half hour instead of a full hour, but the issue will be gas to get there & back. i won’t ask anyone for the money, so i’ll have to see what i can dig up. i don’t want to have to push it back again, because then it will have to be in october & that will also mean pushing my psych appt back, too, which will likely mean running out of meds since i only get 30dys at a time. i think i can do it though. i have a little savings i can tap. i hate to bust into it, but isn’t that what savings is for? oh yeah, i hadn’t even thought about the 2nd savings acct i have here in town. it isn’t much, but i can get a little of it out to buy some gas. yay! problem solved. i need to start adding more to it at some point. i started it several months ago, & have only made one withdrawal, but i have never made a deposit beyond the opening. i have a savings acct linked to my checking acct too, but that regularly gets used. i try. every time i use my debit card $1 is transferred to the savings acct, so it never gets too big, but it does build up a little, so i have a little spare fundage when i need it. i also have a $100 transferred into it at the beginning of the month, but that ends up just being held so i have something for the last half of the month. oh well.
my budgeting is going well. it was very eye opening to make a list of all my bills & other reg pymts like med costs & appts. & the spreadsheet i made lets me track all that, & special expenses for the month, then take what’s left over & divide among either four or five weeks, depending on the month. that gives me a clear view of what i can spend from week to week, & still have all my bills/expenses covered. ok, so i hate living on a budget, & what i have in a week sucks. i haven’t yet been very good at keeping within my weekly, but the overage goes to the next week & okay, i end with nothing or next to it the end of the month, but it is better than it was & i can relax a little knowing i don’t have to worry about a bill coming through i can’t pay, or not having the money for my pills or appts. this month not withstanding.
ok, so yeah i have mysteriously gotten into kpop the last couple of days, & as i’ve been watching videos of the kids in these bands, & the ones who make dance videos as tributes to their fave bands, i have been wondering what it must feel like to to be so confident in yourself. to have that feeling that you can do it, you deserve it, & people are gonna love you. i have no idea what that feels like.
i have a star inside me that craves attention, loves to sing, loves to dance, loves writing & performing, but she gets shouted down the other me. the loudest voice in my head is the one telling me not to bother to try. everybody knows i can’t do it & i’ll look like a fool for even trying. i don’t try, because i don’t want ppl to know i want to do those things. heaven forbid they figure out that i actually think i’m good, because that just makes me a bigger fool. to think i have talent? to think anybody wants to hear or see anything i do? just stick with being smart, if you’re even capable of that. & of course the whole being fat issue comes into it. ppl are that much less interested in you if your fat. anything you do they are just going to make fun of you. there is just no point in trying. better to just stay in the house avoiding all real human contact & go online. you can hide there. you can be pretty & no one has to know different. plus, when they get too close you can just shut them off & disappear for a while. convenient, no?
i really want to poke that voice with a knitting needle. a mental abortion if you will.
speaking of killing stuff, i was interrupted to go handle some dogs up here chasing my cat. somebody needs to get their dogs in a fence or something, because if my cat gets hurt it’s gonna break my heart to make some little kid cry when her puppy turns up on her door step in a trash bag. & while i do not like guns, i’m a natural shot so little chance i’ll miss & let the dog get away. plus, you know i have a hair trigger & can get really fucking angry, really fucking quick. ok, that said.
i don’t know. last week my therapist & i were discussing the issue. i think it comes from growing up.
1. i was a mistake from conception. studies are showing what i have long believed, even in the womb babies are shaped by what goes on around them. they might not have memories as we know them, but they form impressions. babies are shown to recognize voices & music they heard while in utero. so why not remember the emotions that swirled around them for nine months? i was conceived during a time of major disappointments & heartache. i think those emotions are embedded into my soul. anyone who really knows me can little deny i am drawn to those very two things like a moth to a flame. even without knowing the whole story till my mid to late 20s, i grew up knowing i was a sore spot. but you can’t exactly be a happy child when your mother regularly tells you she wishes you’d never been born, she hates you, she wishes you’d die. you don’t forget that. ever.
2. my mother had her own issues with mental illness. she was very moody & angry. she could be the best & you were having so much fun, then she could turn on a dime & suddenly everything was wrong & she hated you. we grew up on eggshells, with no sense of normalcy or stability. what was fine one minute, would get you slapped or worse the next. the best thing you could do was avoid attracting attention. the older two went to live with their dad & my younger brother just stayed gone all the time. i tried to keep to myself, but whatever it was usually ended up falling on my shoulders. it never mattered who, if anyone, actually did something. my mother took her anger out on whoever got in her way. & of course for the reasons i didn’t know at the time, i made an especially good target. add to that my piscean nature, making me especially prone to her outbursts. after my father left he wanted us to come live with him, but like most abused children we clung to her regardless of what she did. but i did eventually leave & this is one of the best things i ever did for myself. i don’t think i’d be alive to write this today if i had not. by the time i moved i had already become severely depressed & thinking of many ways i could get out, including killing myself. my dad gave me a patience & stability i never had with her. interestingly enough, she seemed to love me more after i was gone. she at least acted like it.
so… i grew up being hated & told what a loser i was, & i grew up learning to draw as little attention as possible. not to mention academics was the only thing i really got encouragement to do. i sang & wrote stories, & danced a little, but i never got to take those ballet lessons i always wanted to. i did have the opportunity to take jazz classes at one point, but i thought that was dancing to jazz music which didn’t interest me. i always wanted to be a ballerina. so now, i’m a nobody with no belief in herself who is afraid having ppl pay attention to her. that sounds about right.
though i did some poetry readings in SL & have considered looking to singing there & maybe some stand up comedy. i’m opening a club, in the vein of a dive bar so nothing fancy, & i’m considering working in karoake & various live shows down the road. we shall see. build up to some events, develop a few close ppl who show up, & then maybe ease into singing for ppl who can’t really see me. who knows.
but i woul still love to know what it feels like to be confident & supported in your dreams. i really would.
bumping along. still a little up & down. just finished a 2wk not sleeping much if at all thing. i was hoping to get an antidepressant when i saw the psych nurse again, but alas since i reported not sleeping i got sleepy pillses instead. but i was in heavy building mode & now that my project has wound down i’m back to sleeping again. mostly. well, i don’t feel like sleeping tonight because i’m feeling moody & don’t want to go to bed & just lay there thinking over all the things that are upsetting me today. (i was chatting w some friends & after i said something one person made a flippant remark & it hurt my feelings. so of course i wasn’t able to just shake it off, but instead i let a few stupid little meaningless words crawl all over me & make me feel like shit. i left the convo & have considered removing myself from the group. i have been a member of this group for more than a year & am rather close to some of these folks. you know, as close as you get online. which we all know can actually be pretty damn close – for some ppl closer than real life. plus, i went to my neice’s bday yesterday & my SIL’s SIL, who not all of you may be familiar with, was my bff for years until our senior year in HS, when i grew some lady balls & quit letting her run over me. also, she got this sleazy bf who treated her like shit & she let him, so i lost all respect for her, & you know you can’t be friends w someone you don’t respect. he talked about her friends. he cussed her like a dog. he even talked about her momma. she might say something to him, but the minute he said he was leaving she would appologize & beg him not to go. seriously. worse yet, without going into the whole thing, but know how they met? she met him when i dated him. from what i have already said about him, you can imagine what a short lived venture that was. you know i do not take bullshit off a man or anything that even thinks it’s a man. i may go through my life single, but at least i’ll through it w my head held high knowing i didn’t sacrifice myself to live under somebody’s thumb. but i digress. so she was there w her redneck husband & two brats. we were friends always growing up, so ppl are always, ‘did you go talk to Her?” No. i managed to go 10yrs w/o having to speak to her until they showed up at the reunion, & eventhough i kept my distance her husband, who was a friend of ours in hs – oddly enough, he liked me in hs, she must love my 2nd hand men – came over & wanted me to come speak to her. well, i fucking did it. but you know, i got fat since then, & she hasn’t, so there was a little snark involved. i even skipped my neice’s bday cake yesterday because i didn’t want her to see me eating it. i’m 35yo & this was something that went down 18yrs ago. is that not the saddest thing you’ve ever heard? i have a fucking master’s degree & a lot of wonderful things i’m done that i can assure you she has not. what am i ashamed of? but i uphold, that the worst thing a woman can do is get fat. it’s like a mortal sin & a moral failure. if i was a better, stronger person i would be thin like everybody else. it didn’t help today that i was reading some forums & had to come across a comment somebody made about “if you eat x & do y you can be a member of the size 0 club.” & mind you, this was a MMO forum, nothing to do w diet or exercise. i don’t even know what was going on in this post. & besides, who wants to be a size 0? last time i checked 0 meant nothing. i think the longing to be nothing is a real problem with women & girls today. plus, the only point to looking like a 12yo boy is to catch a predator. or be a model & wtf is that all about? but again, i digress. just a lot of feeling angry & disappointed today. moody, very moody. though i have been on the full 100mg dose of lamictol for about a week now. i need to check myself for the rash. i’ve been itchy, but i’m always itchy. it’s whatever that skin condition i have it. i should start remembering that. it might be important some day. i’m trying to get my yeehaw together & do something. i haven’t been to a WW meeting in over a month, but i’m still a member. i keep saying i’m going to go, but they i forget. i’ll shoot for this week. ok, that’s a long enough paragraph for one update i suppose. ttyl. stay classy!
