sometimes…

i have so much inside me, but i don’t know how to express it.  i have really felt the need to update, but i just don’t know what to say.

things are bumping along.  i’ve lost some more weight so that is good.  still not sleeping & even taking two of the sleeping pills i’m awake in a couple of hours.

my online social life is good.  i’ve been swapping messages with a few guys from a dating site & one asked me on a date.  i’m just not sure if i’m ready to commit to a date.  but i think i’m going to do it.  the one guy i was really interested in from the site seems to have lost interest.  & off the site, there is a guy i have been MMO friends with for a few years, & i have come to like him more than i think i should.  especially this year we have become closer & he’s even opened up to me about his personal life & taken an interest in mine.  sometimes i think he likes me as more than a friend, actually i’m sure he does, but then, i don’t know.  i think we are both afraid to make a move.  we have been friends for too long to risk it i guess.  but he makes me incredibly happy but he also breaks my heart, all without knowledge.  i just really need to get out in the real world & find someone.  i know i could if i’d just open myself up & take the chance, but now just isn’t the time.  i don’t feel like i have anything to offer another person, certainly nothing to brag about.  but it would be really nice to have someone special in my real life.

ok, my sleeping pills are kicking in, so going to bed.

pfft

guess who’s chatting with me now trying to “explain” his fb announcement yesterday?  boys>_<

ok, because i can i decided to c&p a relevant portion of the convo here.  because isn’t that what we girls do?

BOY: hi

ME: hey

what’s up?

BOY:  how are you doing?

ME: meh, lol. i’m doing ok.

BOY: i’m avoiding sleep with netflix on demand

slow to stream here so i have to watch in spurts

ME: yeah, i already went to bed earlier, but ended up getting back up. now i’m playing MW.

BOY: mw?

ME: mafia wars

BOY: ah

sorry about no heads up on that fb announcement

ME: what?

BOY: sorta developed quickly… took a friend’s advice to give someone a chance that is into me

wanted to explain to you

ME: ah, that. ok.

BOY: b/c i really do like you… i wasn’t just flirting to play with your emotions

i’m not that type of person

ME: as long as we are still friends, i don’t see how anything is different.

BOY: we will always be friends i think

regardless of what the future holds in other avenues

you are entirely too awesome not to keep in my life now that i’ve found you

ME: whatever

BOY: whatever?

i’m being all sweet n genuine n shit

and i get whatevah?

you know that is the equivalent of telling me “fuck you”, right?

ME: i don’t thinik it is so much “fuck you” as “you’re full of shit”, but whatever works for you.

BOY: i am not full of shit on this issue, miss <insert my last name here>

i am serious

you are 100% awesome

ME: what are you? my 2nd grade teacher?

BOY: last names get ppl’s attention

ME: well, you got mine. i’m just laughing away now.

BOY: good

jim, you have been and always shall be my friend

\/

ME: because jim is truly outrageous?

truly, truly outrageous?

BOY: gem? jem?

this is me trying to be nice honest guy and you kick me in jimmy

you is mean gurl

hurtful like goblin man wearing big clock who plays with big apple girl’s affection

ME: i’m going to pretend that made sense to me.

BOY: lol

too late for riddles hmmm

ME: very much so

BOY: wow… it is entirely too late …gotta run… about to turn into a pumpkin

ME: then you would make a good pie!

BOY: take care… tooda loo… aufwedersehn

thanks

i am pretty tasty

hope you have sweet dreams

don’t let the big clock goblin bite

ok, i was cut it, but it’s not much anyway & i’m lazy.  plus, you can see the whole convo.  at least he didn’t get creepy on me.  but if she is into him, then i hope they are happy, because i was never that into him.  i was mildly attracted to him & i would have gone out with him at least once to see if it it might develop into more, but really from chatting with him i didn’t feel like he was anyone i could really see my self being with.  i never liked the gushing guys.  i think it feels needy to me, if that makes sense.  plus, he’s not nearly hot enough to be dating me;~) rofl.

um, okay

so just checking my fb & notice the guy i’ve been chatting with online, after we met IRL, the guy who just yesterday was talking about us going out on a date & to this upcoming con in january together, has changed his relationship status to being in one with some other girl.   this doesn’t so much bother me, but yeah it does a little.

i had already posted that he had gotten into my friend zone & i had little hope he would be coming out of it, & so far he had not, so can’t say he broke my heart.   plus, he was with another girl when i met him & he has lots of girls on his fb friends list, too many vs the number of guys he has to say they are all just his friends.   basically, this just confirms what i believed about him, which is one of the reasons i couldn’t really get too interested in him, for all he might have told me how i’m this & i’m that, & how much he liked me & how beautiful i am & how he was so taken with me the moment he met me, he was telling the same thing to how many other females?   though he consistently attributed my nose for bullshit to low self esteem.  seriously.

see, it proves my point: you can not trust charming guys, because they are out charming everybody else too.    i’m not the one of many type.    i am the type of girl who wants a guy who sees me as being special, really special, too special to be part of a harem.    i am that special & i deserve that.    i am also way to fucking smart to fall for some guy’s lines.   plus, i honestly can’t ever get into a guy who spends too much of our convos talking about how he’d like to see me naked, how i’d look in fishnet stockings or something with see through nipples, making sexual innuendos.   it would be too much like dating The Todd from scrubs.   you guys know me well enough to know he was never going to get beyond the friend zone.

still, it doesn’t mean i’m not a little hurt.    but it’s not the first time being proven right has hurt.    the truth is like that.

my triggers

i never thought about myself having triggers until yesterday when after signing up @ psychcentral.com i went to the intro forum to introduce myself.  inside that forum was a sticky about marking posts that may contain triggers.  then i still didn’t think about having any of those myself until just now.

i was tag surfing here & started reading…

wait, before i get into the deep, sad stuff let me just say, one of the blog entries that came up had what is now one of favorite opening lines of all time, so i had to read it, “Today it has been exactly one month since I accidentally shot Daddy.”  rofl!  i know it isn’t supposed to be funny, but omg it is – once you read enough to know daddy is ok, just injured & has to have rehab now.  if he had died or been vegetated it wouldn’t be funny.  but seriously, is that not an awesome line?  the kind of line that sucks you in & forces you to read the rest?  yes.  yes, it is.  maybe i’ll burn in hell for thinking it’s funny, but if i do that won’t even be one of the top ten reasons.

now, back to the original issue.  i came upon another blog entry where someone was discussing how their friend’s suicide 8yrs ago has impacted them.  as soon as i begin reading it my eyes sprout tears.  i thought about last week when i found out a friend’s sister had committed suicide recently.  same thing, instant tears.  it was then, reading the blog, i realized suicide is a major trigger for me.

i know it is because i know what they felt before they did it.  their thought process leading up to it.  that dark place of hopelessness & despair, where ending your life seems like your best option, or your only option; not just for you, but for everyone.  you’re useless & worthless, a sucking drain on everyone around you.  sure the people in your life don’t want you to die, they won’t be happy to learn that you did it, but they’ll go on.  that’s what they’ll do, & they’ll be better for it.  in the end it will be what is best.

they won’t have to worry about you any more.  they won’t have to share their money & cars & home with you.  they won’t even have to worry about if/when you’re going to kill yourself, guessing if you’re serious about how you feel or just seeking attention, because you did it.  you showed them.  you were serious.  it was all real, all the sadness & the pain & the problems.  your problems will all stop & they can go on without you weighing  them down.  it’s a seductive idea, having it all finally be over with forever.

but i’ve been lucky that i’ve always had this silver thread of a lining to cling to when it got really dark.  a little voice whispering that it will get better; it has to.  it always does.  sometimes it changes in twenty minutes, somethings it lasts for weeks or even months.  but even during my darkest days, when my depression devolved into a psychotic episode, i still had that thread.  i knew not only would it be better, but i have friends & family who love me & would hurt so much if i did it.  i know, because so many of my friends & family members have already done it or attempted it.  i know what it leaves behind & i don’t want to do that to the people i love.

but i know too well how that feels, & whenever i hear about someone taking their life i’m instantly, sympathetically taken right back to that place.

another would be mothers  dying, actually a lot of things about mothers trigger crushing waves of sadness & anxiety.  & it can be the most random things.  the other day i was eating yogurt & realized i had accidentally gotten the fruit on the bottom kind, & suddenly BAM! my chest was being crushed & my stomache was in knots.  i could barely breathe.  i remembered growing up with momma always eating fruit on the bottom yogurt.  i think that’s about all they had back then, especially in our little country town.  when she was older, she didn’t like to leave town much, but when i was there if i ever went to walmart – out of town of course – she would always ask me to get these big tubs of yogurt she couldn’t get in town.  & they never lasted very long.  she loved that & soft peppermints.  whatever problems we had when she was alive, i miss her so much.  my heart breaks every day thinking about her.  i have never in all my life cried as much as i have since losing her.

to a lesser extent men are a trigger for me, lol.  they way they are treated in our society, the things they do, the things they get away with.  the cocky way they walk around acting like they own everything, including you.  i know not all men are like that, but it is an anger trigger for me, trembling anger.  it not only comes from just having grown up female in this world, but from having been molested by three different guys growing up.

i don’t say men because two of them were when i was very young, it lasted over several years, & they weren’t much older than me.  it had a very negative impact on the way i felt about boys & sex growing up, but hey, it kept me from being a promiscuous teenager & getting knocked up, but now that i’m old i feel for them.  one of them is a jerk i will never forgive – he was the worst one – but that isn’t so much about what happened back then as it is just about the fact that he was & is a manipulative jerk who uses everyone around him.  but with my education & work experiences, i’m am now able to look back at that & know they were likely victims themselves.  kids that age don’t know about that stuff  & do that stuff to other children without some good reason.  sure kids are naturally curious about bodies, but some things cross that line into something’s wrong land.  it makes me wonder who did it to them.

the third one is related to my thanksgiving situation, so i won’t go into it here.

anyhoo, just wanted to share that.

so about thursday…

i have a post i’ve been meaning to make since thursday.  it is rife with anger, friendship, cold weather, what comes of being dependent on others, sleepiness, sleeplessness, sadness, more friends, lots of things.  thursday turned into a really big day for me after just starting off as the day i needed a ride to p/u my meds.  but i haven’t felt like writing it.

ok, i wrote the first bit a couple of days ago, so i guess i should take the time to finish it now.

thurs, some local friends come to take me to p/u my meds, which i am over due to start.  overdue by nearly 2mos, so my 2mos check up with the psych would have been today actually, but i was going to push it back since i hadn’t started the meds yet.  why i hadn’t started them was a crazy mishegas my head hurts too much to go into right now, but if you care enough to ask why i might go into it.  anyhoo, i called the fill in 2hrs before i went to get them, plenty of time for them to have called me if there was a problem.

well, nobody called me & when i get there the pharm told me the meds had been filled so long ago they had been returned to stock & now they wouldn’t let me have them because it was almost time for me to see the psych & i should just wait to see him & see what he wants me to do.  i tried to explain to them that the scheduled appt was a check up for after i had been on the meds, & if i wasn’t starting the meds… well, what was the point?  but they just treated me like an imbecile, & of course this involved the fucking ass psych nurse they have who never does anything but be  a bitch.  so, since i have to ride the bus for 2 1/2 fucking hours to get to my appt & the pharm is only open for a few hours on tues & thurs, & since i have no insurance & no money i have to get my meds there.  so i rescheduled my appt to the 29th, the earliest available appt that would allow me to go to the pharm afterwards.  but i’ve decide i’m going to even move that back into january when i’ll have my MCD & won’t have to worry about their shitty pharm.  & i’m going to tell him i don’t want to take effexor anyway after the research i’ve done into it.  there are plenty of others he can try me on before resorting to that one.

ok, so here is what happened to the meds.  eventhough i’m bitching about MHC  i do know i had a part in it too.  i don’t deny that, but it wasn’t all me & they have no reason to be treating me like an idiot how just flits about with no concerns for policy & best practices, & worse like a liar.  i hate to be treated like an idiot or liar, even more so both.  i had a counseling appt the same day as my last psych appt.  i <3 my counselor, but that day i turned both rxs over to her during my appt, there was a starter dose for the first month.  i don’t remember if the pharm was open that day or not, so if it was not that may have something to do with things.  but anyhoo, i wasn’t told to go the pharm or come pick something up later.  i was told she would apply to the PAP for me & if she needed an income, etc, she would call me.

i continued taking me paxil till it was nearly done, then stepped down.  i considered calling her several times, but you know how i am about phone calls.  i avoid them, so i never did call her.  i told myself i’d be seeing her at the women’s grp meeting which was the next week, but when that rolled around – oops – i was nano’ing & totally forgot about it.  again i considered calling, but my reg appt with her was in a couple of weeks, so i decided it would just wait till then.  oh, & my car was broke down after that too.  my reg appt w/ her was the day i spent 9hrs going to a 30min MHC appt & an hour at the library.

so the day of my reg appt was a wed, so the pharm was not open, so i couldn’t get it then & then it was TD.  i told her i would come get after TD, actually that tues, but i still didn’t have a car & had no money for the bus either.  also, i couldn’t reach D. to see if she could take me.  so it was the next thurs, last week, when i was able to get out there.  which brings up to date.

i also tried to explain to the pharm that i was waiting for the med to come in from the PAP, so she lectured me about how the initial dose would not have been applied for to the PAP because i was only going to be on it for 1mo & by the time it came in i would be done with it, & that if i had applied to the PAP i would have had to have seen Val across the hall to do it & since i had not seen her i had never applied to the PAP.  so i had no meds, could get no meds, & no one bothered to let me know that before i had someone come pick me up & drive me across town.  needless to say i was mother fucking bitchy after that.

did i tell you about my first run in with the psych nurse bitch?  it was after i left the residential tx, their own residential tx mind you – but run through a nonprofit 3rd party, on symbyax.  when i left they did not have any samples to give me, so they told me to go by the MHC when i left to get some from them.  when i got there i went back to the psych reception desk.

now a little background.  i initally was set up with them after leaving the hospital last december.  funnily enough, the rule was they had to see me within 2dys of my discharge.  they in fact did see me within that time frame, but only to do an intake.  i had to wait 2mos before i ever saw anyone for tx.  i went for my initial counseling appt, but never made my psych appts or subsequent counseling appts & was discharged from their care due to noncompliance.  i was very depressed & just couldn’t get myself to get out of bed to go.  so when i went back into care i was on the edge again, but refused hospitalization.  that’s how i ended up in the res tx prog the first time (which took me 2wks to get a bed).  the 2nd time was because i had started cutting myself.  my psych appt at MHC had been scheduled for the day i was admitted to the RTP, so the RTP had cx’ed it & was to reschedule it for me before i left, though it would have been for weeks out.

so when i went to the desk that day, of course i had no appt.  i didn’t mind waiting, i just wanted to know if i would actually be seen or if i was going to sit around all day only to be sent home with nothing.  the lady at the desk just kept telling me i should have made an appt, i’d just have to wait however long it took because that’s what happens when you don’t have an appt, despite me having told her why i was there & where i had just come from.  after an hour i got to see the nurse & all she told me was because i hadn’t kept my psych appts they wouldn’t continue my meds till i saw him & which wouldn’t be for weeks.  so i was sent out to go cold turkey off prozac & zyprexa.  hurray.  how’s that for concern for your clients?

‘s not even about not getting the meds, it’s the cold way she treated me, like it’s not big deal for me to just stop taking the meds i’ve been on for about a month or so, when we all know you can’t just cold turkey pysch meds without consequences.  maybe she’s too much of a fucking idiot to know that?  i haven’t seen anything from her to make me think she is actually intelligent.  & it’s about being treated like i did something wrong by being turned out of RTP w/o my meds.

the nurse showed absolutely no compassion.  actually my counselor is the only one there who has shown me the least bit of compassion.  others have been nice, but mostly the people there treat me like i’m in the way & their job would be easier if i’d just go away.  their job would be nonexistent if i wasn’t around.  even the people in the admin section where you do income paperwork & such are nicer than the people in psych.  it’s sad really.

the MHC runs like just what it is – a place for people who have no options.  if we could go somewhere else we would, but since we can’t they get to treat us however they want.  i’m filing a complaint with the MHC & NAMI.  of course any complaints we file will be chalked up to being moody & irritable & crazy.  so i’ll have to work on it to keep it focused & professional.

but anyhoo, after i came back out & told D & J what happened, they took me home with them to chill.  i had fun.  they are a hoot & really laid back.  we had bfast for dinner & i vented about E.  i felt bad doing so, but i really need it.  i also asked about the guy i’ve been talking to i met through them, & he is a really nice guy.  so i’m keeping that in mind.  though i still think he’s being a nice guy with more women than me atm, lol.  i suppose i originally intended to go into that part more, maybe the E. stuff, but i think i’ve said all that on here already, but that will do.

//

//

//

i am somebody else’s favorite

i was favorited by another guy today & messaged.  i’m not sure how to respond.  mainly it’s because he’s looking for someone stable in their life, lol, & i am soooo far from that.  lmao.  plus, he’s a white guy he has snoopdogg as part of his screen name & lists his favorite tv shows as “law&order,ncis,forensic files,snapped,dateline id”.  1) he forgot the space bar while typing all that, & 2) he could be a serial killer based on that list (though i too enjoy law & order [SVU is my fave which by many is considered the most disturbing - but as a SW I can identify with a lot of what they do] & NCIS, but try not to get too into the RL crime shows.  that’s just creepy).  i think i’ll send him a message coming clean about my bipolar disease, anxiety, & paranoia.  that will put the ball in his court;~)

POF

i haven’t been on plentyoffish.com in ages.  it’s a dating site fyi.  i’ve had a profile on there for years now & have met some guys i’ve swapped messages & chatted with, but that’s as far as it’s gotten.  randomly today i got a message someone had added me to their favorites list, so i went to see who.  this has led to me getting messages from four other guys today & i saw the guy i’ve been talking to (you know, the IRL guy) on there, lol.  i’ve considered sending him a message.

i’m not sure what to make of it.  it guess i feel pretty good, since i do have my real pic on there, & not just some glamorous head shot, but a waist up shot.  gotta get the girls in there, right?  but i’m wearing a turtleneck sweater so not a bunch of cleavage hanging out.  it’s just a pic i took at work, nothing fancy.  they are all nice enough sounded guys.  normal guys, normal looking.  & i’ve already responded to each message.

2 black, 2 white, one of the blk guys doesn’t have a pic up, but he seems nice.  & if you know about my long time game love, i don’t need to see them to like them.  but you always hope he’s not really an ogre IRL.  the other black is a cutey.  one of the white guys is a redhead, & you know how i feel about redheads;~).  the other white guy fishes, drives a truck, & either has highlights or a mustache depending on which pic you think is recent.  doesn’t bode well for him i’m afraid.

anyhoo, just kinda strange to me, so i thought i’d mention it here because you guys might care.  you know how i feel when people pay attention to me.  it weirds me out.  i’d rather stand in the corner pretending to be a plant, or maybe a lamp because then i’d get to wear cool hat & wouldn’t have to keep my arms up.

oh dear…

i think i’m being asked out. he asked me what i would like to do if he took me out & we are discussing options. i haven’t been on a date in so long. he already calls me darling & sweetheart. i’m cool with hanging out, but i don’t think we’re on the same page. maybe i’m just making too much of it though. maybe i should tell him i like going to mega stores dressed up as a furry pope.

it started off good…

walked to the store, cooked a pizza, did the dishes – incl the pot of leftover chili they had last night that was left sitting out all night, wiped down the counters & cleaned out the sink – incl all the food leftover in the sink from last night’s meal prep (there’s a disposal), cleaned the bathroom incl the tub, took out the trash from my room, the bathroom, & the kitchen, and vacuumed.   all that because i felt good today, not because i was asked, yet it still isn’t good enough.  whatever i do around here they always manage to find something wrong.  this is not good for my depression/anxiety/paranoia.

well, i’ll be out of here soon enough & it won’t matter.  then they’ll have no one but each other to fuss at & when e. runs j. off he can go back to being alone, & when he calls to whine about how he doesn’t have any friends i won’t be sympathetic in the least.  knowing me i’m sure i won’t even answer the phone.  well, i probably will.  we’ve been friends a long time, i just like him better in small doses.  & i like j. well enough really, though no one i’d choose to be friends with.  he’s too – i don’t know – complacent?  willing to just be someone’s door mat.  that sickens me.

the library is hiring again, this time for a 5wk f/t temp position over the holidays.  this time i will get my appl in on time, even though it’s going to be a PITA because i have a MHC appt tomorrow, right in the middle of the day & i have to ride the bus again.  the library is one transfer from here & the MHC is two.  i don’t know why the MHC loop can’t just come all the way to the transfer station, but it doesn’t.  sure – make the crazy ppl jump through all the hoops to get service.  everybody else does:~p  but i have to catch the 2nd transfer, or 1st on the way back, at the mall, so that will be a good chance to put in my appl at build-a-bear.  doesn’t that sound like fun?  there may even be other places hiring i have papered yet.  & hopefully i’ll come back from TD09 with a fully operational vehicle, so if i am blessed with an interview and a job, i can just hop in and drive there instead of spending 2hrs on a bus to get 15mins away.

it would seem by the “secret” in secret journal i mean ‘whiny’.  though this sees a lot more action than my writing blog, which is much happier, no whining, so i guess the public has spoken.  they prefer my misery.

oh yeah, the boy thing?  i can continue to amuse myself by chatting with him, but i can already tell it’s not going any further.  he has made it to the friends zone & that’s about it.

a couple of funny convos i had today…

ok, an amusing exchange with my dad today while he was working on my car:

(daddy’s been grumbling about getting the wires on tight enough over the spark plugs)

DADDY: Damn, this rubber boot is hard to get on here.

ME: What is it for?

DADDY: It keeps the spark plug from falling out.

ME:  Oh.  It sounds like a pain, but it’s better than having a spark plug fly out while you’re driving.

DADDY: It’s for the socket.

ME: Oh.

 

& here is one i had while chatting with the guy i met last weekend.  just the one part is funny (which i put in bold italics) but i left it in context:

BOY: hugs figured that you needed one of those. (this is after my car post on fb)

ME:  thanks! i do:~)

BOY: sorry to hear that you’re having such a tough wkend.  what can i do to make it brighter for you?

ME: nothing. it’ll all work out in the end.

BOY: , very bright outlook for someone named joy.  aren’t you supposed to be clinically depressed so that your name is tragically ironic? oh wait… this isn’t a flannery o’connor story.

BOY: (time passes, i think i was writing or something.) you always wander off when i make the pithiest comments.

ME: lol, you just don’t know.

BOY: don’t know?  so you wander off during all of my comments …i see

ME: i’m sorry. did you say something? ;~)

BOY: lol, you’re so evasive that you should have been named dodge.

ME: my father would have never named me that. he’s a ford man.

ok, that was it.  i thought it was amusing.  since we just met & this is just a casual flirty thing, i haven’t mentioned that i actually am clinically depressed/bipolar.  that’s what made it so funny.  when i read that, i had to do a double take & remember what i had said to him.

the other day he asked me where we, as in he & i, were going to celebrate when i reached the 50K mark.  i replied, “hell?  people have been telling me i should go there for years.”  he was amused.  i should also mention, he was amused by the whole car turned lesbian barbies thread btw.  he said it had him laughing all morning.