very up & down these days, but moving forward

i’m taking the higher dose of lamitrogine.  it’s only been a couple of weeks, but not feeling any better.  i’m respecting the psych nurses decisions to wait & see if we can get the dosing of this one drug right before we add anything else, but i wouldn’t mind getting an antidepressant sometime soon.

i skipped a couple of WW meetings, so I really, really meant to go yesterday.  I was not feeling it & farted around till i didn’t even have time to take a shower first, & i really needed one.  but i pushed myself to go & washed up quick before hand.  not having a shower, & that i really needed to do laundry so my clean clothing choices were down the stuff i don’t wear much for various reasons, added to my discomfort, but i went & just kept to myself (which is actually pretty typical).  well, i went to the bathroom & looking at myself in the mirror i wanted to run away, but you know how shitty everyone looks in fluorescent lighting.  so i stayed the course & went in & got in line for weigh-in.  while i was in line i was so stressed, i felt like crying & even noticed my hands shaking as i help my card & book.  but i held on & made it through the line, weighing in, & stayed for the whole meeting.  i lost 6.2lbs over the last 3wks.  yay!  so a total of 17.something lbs lost.   yay again!  so i even made sure to stick around to get my gold star after the meeting.  so i did it.  i hated it, but i did it.  go me!  i have been slacking on my walking, but next week will be better.

i had to push back my therapy appt on the 3rd because of court being earlier than i had expected.  so my appt is next week.  i also had to push back my psych appt because i had to see the counselor first, so that is early october.  sadly, i’m not sure i will make it next week even.  the ticket & traffic school really put a bite on my income this month, so i have been holding on to $11 for my appt.  if i only do a half hour instead of a full hour, but the issue will be gas to get there & back.  i won’t ask anyone for the money, so i’ll have to see what i can dig up.  i don’t want to have to push it back again, because then it will have to be in october & that will also mean pushing my psych appt back, too, which will likely mean running out of meds since i only get 30dys at a time.  i think i can do it though.  i have a little savings i can tap.  i hate to bust into it, but isn’t that what savings is for?  oh yeah, i hadn’t even thought about the 2nd savings acct i have here in town.  it isn’t much, but i can get a little of it out to buy some gas.  yay!  problem solved.  i need to start adding more to it at some point.  i started it several months ago, & have only made one withdrawal, but i have never made a deposit beyond the opening.  i have a savings acct linked to my checking acct too, but that regularly gets used.  i try.  every time i use my debit card $1 is transferred to the savings acct, so it never gets too big, but it does build up a little, so i have a little spare fundage when i need it.  i also have a $100 transferred into it at the beginning of the month, but that ends up just being held so i have something for the last half of the month.  oh well.

my budgeting is going well.  it was very eye opening to make a list of all my bills & other reg pymts like med costs & appts.  & the spreadsheet i made lets me track all that, & special expenses for the month, then take what’s left over & divide among either four or five weeks, depending on the month.  that gives me a clear view of what i can spend from week to week, & still have all my bills/expenses covered.  ok, so i hate living on a budget, & what i have in a week sucks.  i haven’t yet been very good at keeping within my weekly, but the overage goes to the next week & okay, i end with nothing or next to it the end of the month, but it is better than it was & i can relax a little knowing i don’t have to worry about a bill coming through i can’t pay, or not having the money for my pills or appts.  this month not withstanding.