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i have so much inside me, but i don’t know how to express it. i have really felt the need to update, but i just don’t know what to say.
things are bumping along. i’ve lost some more weight so that is good. still not sleeping & even taking two of the sleeping pills i’m awake in a couple of hours.
my online social life is good. i’ve been swapping messages with a few guys from a dating site & one asked me on a date. i’m just not sure if i’m ready to commit to a date. but i think i’m going to do it. the one guy i was really interested in from the site seems to have lost interest. & off the site, there is a guy i have been MMO friends with for a few years, & i have come to like him more than i think i should. especially this year we have become closer & he’s even opened up to me about his personal life & taken an interest in mine. sometimes i think he likes me as more than a friend, actually i’m sure he does, but then, i don’t know. i think we are both afraid to make a move. we have been friends for too long to risk it i guess. but he makes me incredibly happy but he also breaks my heart, all without knowledge. i just really need to get out in the real world & find someone. i know i could if i’d just open myself up & take the chance, but now just isn’t the time. i don’t feel like i have anything to offer another person, certainly nothing to brag about. but it would be really nice to have someone special in my real life.
ok, my sleeping pills are kicking in, so going to bed.
i’m taking the higher dose of lamitrogine. it’s only been a couple of weeks, but not feeling any better. i’m respecting the psych nurses decisions to wait & see if we can get the dosing of this one drug right before we add anything else, but i wouldn’t mind getting an antidepressant sometime soon.
i skipped a couple of WW meetings, so I really, really meant to go yesterday. I was not feeling it & farted around till i didn’t even have time to take a shower first, & i really needed one. but i pushed myself to go & washed up quick before hand. not having a shower, & that i really needed to do laundry so my clean clothing choices were down the stuff i don’t wear much for various reasons, added to my discomfort, but i went & just kept to myself (which is actually pretty typical). well, i went to the bathroom & looking at myself in the mirror i wanted to run away, but you know how shitty everyone looks in fluorescent lighting. so i stayed the course & went in & got in line for weigh-in. while i was in line i was so stressed, i felt like crying & even noticed my hands shaking as i help my card & book. but i held on & made it through the line, weighing in, & stayed for the whole meeting. i lost 6.2lbs over the last 3wks. yay! so a total of 17.something lbs lost. yay again! so i even made sure to stick around to get my gold star after the meeting. so i did it. i hated it, but i did it. go me! i have been slacking on my walking, but next week will be better.
i had to push back my therapy appt on the 3rd because of court being earlier than i had expected. so my appt is next week. i also had to push back my psych appt because i had to see the counselor first, so that is early october. sadly, i’m not sure i will make it next week even. the ticket & traffic school really put a bite on my income this month, so i have been holding on to $11 for my appt. if i only do a half hour instead of a full hour, but the issue will be gas to get there & back. i won’t ask anyone for the money, so i’ll have to see what i can dig up. i don’t want to have to push it back again, because then it will have to be in october & that will also mean pushing my psych appt back, too, which will likely mean running out of meds since i only get 30dys at a time. i think i can do it though. i have a little savings i can tap. i hate to bust into it, but isn’t that what savings is for? oh yeah, i hadn’t even thought about the 2nd savings acct i have here in town. it isn’t much, but i can get a little of it out to buy some gas. yay! problem solved. i need to start adding more to it at some point. i started it several months ago, & have only made one withdrawal, but i have never made a deposit beyond the opening. i have a savings acct linked to my checking acct too, but that regularly gets used. i try. every time i use my debit card $1 is transferred to the savings acct, so it never gets too big, but it does build up a little, so i have a little spare fundage when i need it. i also have a $100 transferred into it at the beginning of the month, but that ends up just being held so i have something for the last half of the month. oh well.
my budgeting is going well. it was very eye opening to make a list of all my bills & other reg pymts like med costs & appts. & the spreadsheet i made lets me track all that, & special expenses for the month, then take what’s left over & divide among either four or five weeks, depending on the month. that gives me a clear view of what i can spend from week to week, & still have all my bills/expenses covered. ok, so i hate living on a budget, & what i have in a week sucks. i haven’t yet been very good at keeping within my weekly, but the overage goes to the next week & okay, i end with nothing or next to it the end of the month, but it is better than it was & i can relax a little knowing i don’t have to worry about a bill coming through i can’t pay, or not having the money for my pills or appts. this month not withstanding.
Nutrition & Stress (& Depression) http://www.mealsmatter.org/EatingForHealth/Topics/Healthy-Living-Articles/Nutrition-and-Stress.aspx
Health Benefits of Physical Activity http://www.mealsmatter.org/EatingForHealth/Topics/Healthy-Living-Articles/Health-Benefits-of-Physical-Activity.aspx
i hate when ppl feel the need to add their unnecessary opinion to a topic. particularly now i have been sparked by a weightloss thread for taking metformin for insulin resistance. in the coming year, one of my goals to to become healthier physically as well as mentally. this involves losing weight & the best i ever did, actually the only real success i ever had, was when i was taking bc pills & metformin. so for ’10 i want to get back on them.
anyhoo, the point of this being, i was reading a thread about losing weight while taking metforming for IR on 3fatchicks.com. so in the midst of all these women talking about their experiences with metformin, one loser has to post “Trying to kick PCOS naturally. The only thing I’m taking is yasmine BC to regulate my menstrual cycle.” what the fuck does that have to do with the topic? happy for you, now move along. it just annoys me, because the only purpise for posting that in my eyes is to let the other ppl in the thread know how superior you are, because you’re “kicking” it “naturally”. it’s a thread about metformin, not being an ass, so obviously they were posting in the wrong place.
i’m working on my plan for the coming year. i had to buy a new notebook & some pens, because i forgot to pack any. poop, i know:~p
getting a jump on tomorrow, i crawled out of bed & away from the tv for long enough to take a shower tonight. yay! (i’m naked right now) after my last post i did manage to change out of my pj’s & go get something to eat. i got chicken & dumplings & cookies (which i only ate 4 of btw) & chocolate milk. yummy! i ate about 1800kcals today, which is more than four times what i ate either sat or sun. no wonder i’ve been hungry, listless, & having trouble sleeping>_< funny how my body needs more than 500kcals in a day to function. oh well. tomorrow will be better. i’m going to clean the bathroom & do laundry. so maybe “better” isn’t just the right word, but you know what i mean.
keep taking the pills & be patient. keep taking the pills & be patient. keep taking the pills & be patient. all things in time.
damn, erased my post>_<
i’m in a funk. have been for a few days. pretty much been laying in bed watching tv. i hardly eat, even though i’m hungry. it’s just too much effort to fix or go get any food. i really need a shower & a change of clothes. i can feel my old self somewhere inside, she just hasn’t made her way to the surface yet. i’m not sleeping well, having a lot of racing thoughts & anxiety. thinking about past things i need to let go of & things i need to be doing. can’t seem to calm my mind. i need to stop wallowing in my guilt or fear or anxiety or whatever all is going on & get moving. move. move. move. i’ve been on my full dose for 2wks now, so it’s time to start perking up. it’s sad when the thought of taking a shower or going to get something to eat is followed by a fantasy of slitting your wrists.
today i did more laundry. i’m down to one load, not counting the one that is still in the dryer. i have even put it all away, which is my weakness, lol. i’ve brushed my teeth & put on clean drawers once i had some out of the dryer>_<. still in my jammies though. took my pills this morning too. yay!
i had a good lunch today – my plated leftovers from yesterday’s chicken & rice with broccoli. still yummy:~) as of this morning i was down 4lbs or so this week. hurray! since K. is doing it, i’m thinking about hitting the pavement again & doing the couch-to-5K thing. but no pressure. i tend to run head first into everything when i get to feeling a little better & overwhelm myself. but i’ve got the & thing too, so it’s a good time to get moving again. diet & exercise are key components to both a healthy body & a healthy mind.
updating this, waiting on my last load of laundry for the day, deciding what to have as a healthy dinner, & then ready to settle in for an evening of disability paperwork, lol.
i’m not so good at the fancy wording these days, but here is a blog post i read that i readily identify with: http://saltedlithium.wordpress.com/2009/09/30/cleaning/.
after three days pretty much spent in bed, i had a good day today. i took a shower last night before bed, so when i woke up this morning i was ready to go in public. i went to the grocery store. yay.
at home i did laundry, did dishes, & cooked. oh yeah, i also unclogged the disposal. i breaded & baked some yummy chicken breasts, & made some brown rice with broccoli & cheddar. had enough for dinner, & four small meals for the next few days. i had bought four small divided containers, so this was the perfect chance to break them in.
SSD has sent me more & more paperwork to fill out. i’m working on that now. more job info. blah. have to finish it & get it out this week though.
i’m doing really well taking my meds, & have decided, besides my SSD appl, that is the main thing i need to focus on. i’m historically bad at staying on my meds>_<
i’ve been dutifully tracking what i eat. pretty good about water & veggies, not too much caffeine or sugar, mostly within my calorie limit. i haven’t worried about exercise, but got the call today my Y scholarship has been extended, so i need to go pay that through. good cue to go back & workout. i feel lighter, & think i look a bit smaller, so i’m confident when i weigh in the morning it will show i’ve lost weight.
here’s hoping today is a sign of things to come:~)
today i was just not feeling it. i’ve been up & down all day. i never did out of my pj’s, though i did change my undies & brush my teeth. that’s been about it. i have tracked what i’ve eaten today too. it hasn’t been much, but i finished off some junk i’ve been noshing on>_< though i just had a big healthy dinner. lean cuisine pumpkin squash ravioli with a bag of basil vegetable medley. that was nearly four servings of veggies, which is pretty cool. a nice mix of colors too.
i got a mailing for a professional seminar on bipolar disorder today, lol. too bad i can’t go. it might be insightful. it’s very interesting. the more i learn about all the facets of this, the better i feel. a lot of pieces are falling into place. i want to write specifically about some things i find most disturbing, but haven’t gotten my mind to it yet.
one more day of half dose paxil & then i move up to whole tablets. another week & i should be feeling perkier. just gonna take it easy & be patient till then.
let’s see – i took a shower:~) that’s good. i got out of my pajamas, took a shower, & went to the grocery store. i bought stuff for a breakfast/snack mix, as well as lean frozen dinners, steam-in-the-bag frozen veggie mixes, some healthy soups, & chicken breasts. i’m going to bake the chicken tomorrow & have it with some brown rice & broccoli i already have. i got some broccoli-cheddar soup to mix in with it. i mixed up my chex mix when i got home & divided it up into baggies. it has corn chex, raisins, slivered almonds, & a freeze-dried mix of strawberry & bananas. very tasty!
trying to eat better. weighed today & i’m down a few pounds. yay! i’ve been tracking my food again. that’s going well. not exercising yet, but it’ll come in time. when i eat better, i feel better, & when i feel better, i think/do better. i’ve been eating less sugar & drinking less soda/caffeine. had a diet a&w root beer today, but it’s caffeine free.
for now i’m going to focus on getting up & getting clean & dressed for the day. today i even stayed dressed until after 5pm, lol. that included pants & a bra, but not shoes. wearing shoes in the house is weird.
so glad to be off the symbiax. it’s amazing how much my appetite has decreased, even for sweets. my edema has resolved too. my feet look soooo skinny now that they aren’t swollen like balloons anymore. & my ankles have definition. it’s crazy>_<
i’ve been sleeping well & regularly. hope that lasts.
not back into crocheting yet. tried a little on saturday, but it was so slow & uninspired. it didn’t last long. still don’t have my energy back up, but it will happen soon. another couple of weeks, i’m sure.
