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ok, so yeah i have mysteriously gotten into kpop the last couple of days, & as i’ve been watching videos of the kids in these bands, & the ones who make dance videos as tributes to their fave bands, i have been wondering what it must feel like to to be so confident in yourself. to have that feeling that you can do it, you deserve it, & people are gonna love you. i have no idea what that feels like.
i have a star inside me that craves attention, loves to sing, loves to dance, loves writing & performing, but she gets shouted down the other me. the loudest voice in my head is the one telling me not to bother to try. everybody knows i can’t do it & i’ll look like a fool for even trying. i don’t try, because i don’t want ppl to know i want to do those things. heaven forbid they figure out that i actually think i’m good, because that just makes me a bigger fool. to think i have talent? to think anybody wants to hear or see anything i do? just stick with being smart, if you’re even capable of that. & of course the whole being fat issue comes into it. ppl are that much less interested in you if your fat. anything you do they are just going to make fun of you. there is just no point in trying. better to just stay in the house avoiding all real human contact & go online. you can hide there. you can be pretty & no one has to know different. plus, when they get too close you can just shut them off & disappear for a while. convenient, no?
i really want to poke that voice with a knitting needle. a mental abortion if you will.
speaking of killing stuff, i was interrupted to go handle some dogs up here chasing my cat. somebody needs to get their dogs in a fence or something, because if my cat gets hurt it’s gonna break my heart to make some little kid cry when her puppy turns up on her door step in a trash bag. & while i do not like guns, i’m a natural shot so little chance i’ll miss & let the dog get away. plus, you know i have a hair trigger & can get really fucking angry, really fucking quick. ok, that said.
i don’t know. last week my therapist & i were discussing the issue. i think it comes from growing up.
1. i was a mistake from conception. studies are showing what i have long believed, even in the womb babies are shaped by what goes on around them. they might not have memories as we know them, but they form impressions. babies are shown to recognize voices & music they heard while in utero. so why not remember the emotions that swirled around them for nine months? i was conceived during a time of major disappointments & heartache. i think those emotions are embedded into my soul. anyone who really knows me can little deny i am drawn to those very two things like a moth to a flame. even without knowing the whole story till my mid to late 20s, i grew up knowing i was a sore spot. but you can’t exactly be a happy child when your mother regularly tells you she wishes you’d never been born, she hates you, she wishes you’d die. you don’t forget that. ever.
2. my mother had her own issues with mental illness. she was very moody & angry. she could be the best & you were having so much fun, then she could turn on a dime & suddenly everything was wrong & she hated you. we grew up on eggshells, with no sense of normalcy or stability. what was fine one minute, would get you slapped or worse the next. the best thing you could do was avoid attracting attention. the older two went to live with their dad & my younger brother just stayed gone all the time. i tried to keep to myself, but whatever it was usually ended up falling on my shoulders. it never mattered who, if anyone, actually did something. my mother took her anger out on whoever got in her way. & of course for the reasons i didn’t know at the time, i made an especially good target. add to that my piscean nature, making me especially prone to her outbursts. after my father left he wanted us to come live with him, but like most abused children we clung to her regardless of what she did. but i did eventually leave & this is one of the best things i ever did for myself. i don’t think i’d be alive to write this today if i had not. by the time i moved i had already become severely depressed & thinking of many ways i could get out, including killing myself. my dad gave me a patience & stability i never had with her. interestingly enough, she seemed to love me more after i was gone. she at least acted like it.
so… i grew up being hated & told what a loser i was, & i grew up learning to draw as little attention as possible. not to mention academics was the only thing i really got encouragement to do. i sang & wrote stories, & danced a little, but i never got to take those ballet lessons i always wanted to. i did have the opportunity to take jazz classes at one point, but i thought that was dancing to jazz music which didn’t interest me. i always wanted to be a ballerina. so now, i’m a nobody with no belief in herself who is afraid having ppl pay attention to her. that sounds about right.
though i did some poetry readings in SL & have considered looking to singing there & maybe some stand up comedy. i’m opening a club, in the vein of a dive bar so nothing fancy, & i’m considering working in karoake & various live shows down the road. we shall see. build up to some events, develop a few close ppl who show up, & then maybe ease into singing for ppl who can’t really see me. who knows.
but i woul still love to know what it feels like to be confident & supported in your dreams. i really would.
i know i’m being uber posty, but i’m tired & wired. i’ve been having trouble sleeping at night lately, regardless of how tired i am. i just can’t turn my mind off enough to go to sleep. so i’m googling & surfing & posting & thinking ahead to the day my tides have turned back out to the glorious sea sweeping me off this shore of nothing. hurray back to the waves! a mermaid’s home is always in the sea & i’m ready to go home.
for the last few days i’ve also had these crazy drippy eyes. part of me thinks it must be allergies, but i don’t know to what? plus, i feel this solemn inner sadness with them. i don’t have to be thinking anything sad, but i feel this rock in the pit of my gut & tears start sliding out. it’s kinda crazy. i’m so up & down, & even both at the same time, these days i don’t know what to feel from one moment to the next.
by that i mean my big moneys, the SSD backpay. i could fulfill my RV living dream!
i’d need something to pull it with, but i could get daddy to pull it for me. it’s not like i plan on moving all the time. & hopefully by the time i wanted to move again, i could rent a truck. though, i’d still have my car. which i why i really like the idea of a motor home vs a 5th wheel, but that is still nice for the price & would do nicely. doesn’t it look good inside? could use some redecorating, but it’s a good start.
