so about thursday…

i have a post i’ve been meaning to make since thursday.  it is rife with anger, friendship, cold weather, what comes of being dependent on others, sleepiness, sleeplessness, sadness, more friends, lots of things.  thursday turned into a really big day for me after just starting off as the day i needed a ride to p/u my meds.  but i haven’t felt like writing it.

ok, i wrote the first bit a couple of days ago, so i guess i should take the time to finish it now.

thurs, some local friends come to take me to p/u my meds, which i am over due to start.  overdue by nearly 2mos, so my 2mos check up with the psych would have been today actually, but i was going to push it back since i hadn’t started the meds yet.  why i hadn’t started them was a crazy mishegas my head hurts too much to go into right now, but if you care enough to ask why i might go into it.  anyhoo, i called the fill in 2hrs before i went to get them, plenty of time for them to have called me if there was a problem.

well, nobody called me & when i get there the pharm told me the meds had been filled so long ago they had been returned to stock & now they wouldn’t let me have them because it was almost time for me to see the psych & i should just wait to see him & see what he wants me to do.  i tried to explain to them that the scheduled appt was a check up for after i had been on the meds, & if i wasn’t starting the meds… well, what was the point?  but they just treated me like an imbecile, & of course this involved the fucking ass psych nurse they have who never does anything but be  a bitch.  so, since i have to ride the bus for 2 1/2 fucking hours to get to my appt & the pharm is only open for a few hours on tues & thurs, & since i have no insurance & no money i have to get my meds there.  so i rescheduled my appt to the 29th, the earliest available appt that would allow me to go to the pharm afterwards.  but i’ve decide i’m going to even move that back into january when i’ll have my MCD & won’t have to worry about their shitty pharm.  & i’m going to tell him i don’t want to take effexor anyway after the research i’ve done into it.  there are plenty of others he can try me on before resorting to that one.

ok, so here is what happened to the meds.  eventhough i’m bitching about MHC  i do know i had a part in it too.  i don’t deny that, but it wasn’t all me & they have no reason to be treating me like an idiot how just flits about with no concerns for policy & best practices, & worse like a liar.  i hate to be treated like an idiot or liar, even more so both.  i had a counseling appt the same day as my last psych appt.  i <3 my counselor, but that day i turned both rxs over to her during my appt, there was a starter dose for the first month.  i don’t remember if the pharm was open that day or not, so if it was not that may have something to do with things.  but anyhoo, i wasn’t told to go the pharm or come pick something up later.  i was told she would apply to the PAP for me & if she needed an income, etc, she would call me.

i continued taking me paxil till it was nearly done, then stepped down.  i considered calling her several times, but you know how i am about phone calls.  i avoid them, so i never did call her.  i told myself i’d be seeing her at the women’s grp meeting which was the next week, but when that rolled around – oops – i was nano’ing & totally forgot about it.  again i considered calling, but my reg appt with her was in a couple of weeks, so i decided it would just wait till then.  oh, & my car was broke down after that too.  my reg appt w/ her was the day i spent 9hrs going to a 30min MHC appt & an hour at the library.

so the day of my reg appt was a wed, so the pharm was not open, so i couldn’t get it then & then it was TD.  i told her i would come get after TD, actually that tues, but i still didn’t have a car & had no money for the bus either.  also, i couldn’t reach D. to see if she could take me.  so it was the next thurs, last week, when i was able to get out there.  which brings up to date.

i also tried to explain to the pharm that i was waiting for the med to come in from the PAP, so she lectured me about how the initial dose would not have been applied for to the PAP because i was only going to be on it for 1mo & by the time it came in i would be done with it, & that if i had applied to the PAP i would have had to have seen Val across the hall to do it & since i had not seen her i had never applied to the PAP.  so i had no meds, could get no meds, & no one bothered to let me know that before i had someone come pick me up & drive me across town.  needless to say i was mother fucking bitchy after that.

did i tell you about my first run in with the psych nurse bitch?  it was after i left the residential tx, their own residential tx mind you – but run through a nonprofit 3rd party, on symbyax.  when i left they did not have any samples to give me, so they told me to go by the MHC when i left to get some from them.  when i got there i went back to the psych reception desk.

now a little background.  i initally was set up with them after leaving the hospital last december.  funnily enough, the rule was they had to see me within 2dys of my discharge.  they in fact did see me within that time frame, but only to do an intake.  i had to wait 2mos before i ever saw anyone for tx.  i went for my initial counseling appt, but never made my psych appts or subsequent counseling appts & was discharged from their care due to noncompliance.  i was very depressed & just couldn’t get myself to get out of bed to go.  so when i went back into care i was on the edge again, but refused hospitalization.  that’s how i ended up in the res tx prog the first time (which took me 2wks to get a bed).  the 2nd time was because i had started cutting myself.  my psych appt at MHC had been scheduled for the day i was admitted to the RTP, so the RTP had cx’ed it & was to reschedule it for me before i left, though it would have been for weeks out.

so when i went to the desk that day, of course i had no appt.  i didn’t mind waiting, i just wanted to know if i would actually be seen or if i was going to sit around all day only to be sent home with nothing.  the lady at the desk just kept telling me i should have made an appt, i’d just have to wait however long it took because that’s what happens when you don’t have an appt, despite me having told her why i was there & where i had just come from.  after an hour i got to see the nurse & all she told me was because i hadn’t kept my psych appts they wouldn’t continue my meds till i saw him & which wouldn’t be for weeks.  so i was sent out to go cold turkey off prozac & zyprexa.  hurray.  how’s that for concern for your clients?

‘s not even about not getting the meds, it’s the cold way she treated me, like it’s not big deal for me to just stop taking the meds i’ve been on for about a month or so, when we all know you can’t just cold turkey pysch meds without consequences.  maybe she’s too much of a fucking idiot to know that?  i haven’t seen anything from her to make me think she is actually intelligent.  & it’s about being treated like i did something wrong by being turned out of RTP w/o my meds.

the nurse showed absolutely no compassion.  actually my counselor is the only one there who has shown me the least bit of compassion.  others have been nice, but mostly the people there treat me like i’m in the way & their job would be easier if i’d just go away.  their job would be nonexistent if i wasn’t around.  even the people in the admin section where you do income paperwork & such are nicer than the people in psych.  it’s sad really.

the MHC runs like just what it is – a place for people who have no options.  if we could go somewhere else we would, but since we can’t they get to treat us however they want.  i’m filing a complaint with the MHC & NAMI.  of course any complaints we file will be chalked up to being moody & irritable & crazy.  so i’ll have to work on it to keep it focused & professional.

but anyhoo, after i came back out & told D & J what happened, they took me home with them to chill.  i had fun.  they are a hoot & really laid back.  we had bfast for dinner & i vented about E.  i felt bad doing so, but i really need it.  i also asked about the guy i’ve been talking to i met through them, & he is a really nice guy.  so i’m keeping that in mind.  though i still think he’s being a nice guy with more women than me atm, lol.  i suppose i originally intended to go into that part more, maybe the E. stuff, but i think i’ve said all that on here already, but that will do.

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& now for something not very different…

i feel like i’m dead.  or dying.  either way i’m watching Ghost Whisperer trying to get jennifer love hewitt to talk to me.

i desperately need a shower.  but at least i brushed my teeth & changed my undies today.  had a psych appt, so i even got dressed.  he is switching me from paxil to effexor.  hopefully this will work better.  or just work at all.  but that would be better.  he asked me what i’d like him to help me with today.  i told him i just want to feel like a human.

when i go out around other ppl i feel like such an outsider.  really like i’m an observer, not a part of the life going on around me.  all these ppl with their friends & families & lives.  living.  i feel like i’m not a part of any of it.  i don’t belong in this world.  i don’t know where i belong.  i don’t know what’s wrong with me.  i just want to crawl into a hole & stop feeling anything.  i want to die.  i fantasize about slicing my arms open.  i also fantasize about setting certain people on fire.  we’ll see. (nah, i’m not gonna kill anyone.)

i’ve hunted up some p/t jobs to apply for.  hopefully something will come through soon.

e. is being very good about it all.  i’m very lucky to have such wonderful & supportive friends & family.  i could easily be living on da skreets these days.