You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘fat’ tag.
i have so much inside me, but i don’t know how to express it. i have really felt the need to update, but i just don’t know what to say.
things are bumping along. i’ve lost some more weight so that is good. still not sleeping & even taking two of the sleeping pills i’m awake in a couple of hours.
my online social life is good. i’ve been swapping messages with a few guys from a dating site & one asked me on a date. i’m just not sure if i’m ready to commit to a date. but i think i’m going to do it. the one guy i was really interested in from the site seems to have lost interest. & off the site, there is a guy i have been MMO friends with for a few years, & i have come to like him more than i think i should. especially this year we have become closer & he’s even opened up to me about his personal life & taken an interest in mine. sometimes i think he likes me as more than a friend, actually i’m sure he does, but then, i don’t know. i think we are both afraid to make a move. we have been friends for too long to risk it i guess. but he makes me incredibly happy but he also breaks my heart, all without knowledge. i just really need to get out in the real world & find someone. i know i could if i’d just open myself up & take the chance, but now just isn’t the time. i don’t feel like i have anything to offer another person, certainly nothing to brag about. but it would be really nice to have someone special in my real life.
ok, my sleeping pills are kicking in, so going to bed.
ok, so yeah i have mysteriously gotten into kpop the last couple of days, & as i’ve been watching videos of the kids in these bands, & the ones who make dance videos as tributes to their fave bands, i have been wondering what it must feel like to to be so confident in yourself. to have that feeling that you can do it, you deserve it, & people are gonna love you. i have no idea what that feels like.
i have a star inside me that craves attention, loves to sing, loves to dance, loves writing & performing, but she gets shouted down the other me. the loudest voice in my head is the one telling me not to bother to try. everybody knows i can’t do it & i’ll look like a fool for even trying. i don’t try, because i don’t want ppl to know i want to do those things. heaven forbid they figure out that i actually think i’m good, because that just makes me a bigger fool. to think i have talent? to think anybody wants to hear or see anything i do? just stick with being smart, if you’re even capable of that. & of course the whole being fat issue comes into it. ppl are that much less interested in you if your fat. anything you do they are just going to make fun of you. there is just no point in trying. better to just stay in the house avoiding all real human contact & go online. you can hide there. you can be pretty & no one has to know different. plus, when they get too close you can just shut them off & disappear for a while. convenient, no?
i really want to poke that voice with a knitting needle. a mental abortion if you will.
speaking of killing stuff, i was interrupted to go handle some dogs up here chasing my cat. somebody needs to get their dogs in a fence or something, because if my cat gets hurt it’s gonna break my heart to make some little kid cry when her puppy turns up on her door step in a trash bag. & while i do not like guns, i’m a natural shot so little chance i’ll miss & let the dog get away. plus, you know i have a hair trigger & can get really fucking angry, really fucking quick. ok, that said.
i don’t know. last week my therapist & i were discussing the issue. i think it comes from growing up.
1. i was a mistake from conception. studies are showing what i have long believed, even in the womb babies are shaped by what goes on around them. they might not have memories as we know them, but they form impressions. babies are shown to recognize voices & music they heard while in utero. so why not remember the emotions that swirled around them for nine months? i was conceived during a time of major disappointments & heartache. i think those emotions are embedded into my soul. anyone who really knows me can little deny i am drawn to those very two things like a moth to a flame. even without knowing the whole story till my mid to late 20s, i grew up knowing i was a sore spot. but you can’t exactly be a happy child when your mother regularly tells you she wishes you’d never been born, she hates you, she wishes you’d die. you don’t forget that. ever.
2. my mother had her own issues with mental illness. she was very moody & angry. she could be the best & you were having so much fun, then she could turn on a dime & suddenly everything was wrong & she hated you. we grew up on eggshells, with no sense of normalcy or stability. what was fine one minute, would get you slapped or worse the next. the best thing you could do was avoid attracting attention. the older two went to live with their dad & my younger brother just stayed gone all the time. i tried to keep to myself, but whatever it was usually ended up falling on my shoulders. it never mattered who, if anyone, actually did something. my mother took her anger out on whoever got in her way. & of course for the reasons i didn’t know at the time, i made an especially good target. add to that my piscean nature, making me especially prone to her outbursts. after my father left he wanted us to come live with him, but like most abused children we clung to her regardless of what she did. but i did eventually leave & this is one of the best things i ever did for myself. i don’t think i’d be alive to write this today if i had not. by the time i moved i had already become severely depressed & thinking of many ways i could get out, including killing myself. my dad gave me a patience & stability i never had with her. interestingly enough, she seemed to love me more after i was gone. she at least acted like it.
so… i grew up being hated & told what a loser i was, & i grew up learning to draw as little attention as possible. not to mention academics was the only thing i really got encouragement to do. i sang & wrote stories, & danced a little, but i never got to take those ballet lessons i always wanted to. i did have the opportunity to take jazz classes at one point, but i thought that was dancing to jazz music which didn’t interest me. i always wanted to be a ballerina. so now, i’m a nobody with no belief in herself who is afraid having ppl pay attention to her. that sounds about right.
though i did some poetry readings in SL & have considered looking to singing there & maybe some stand up comedy. i’m opening a club, in the vein of a dive bar so nothing fancy, & i’m considering working in karoake & various live shows down the road. we shall see. build up to some events, develop a few close ppl who show up, & then maybe ease into singing for ppl who can’t really see me. who knows.
but i woul still love to know what it feels like to be confident & supported in your dreams. i really would.
sure it’s been awhile since i posted two days in a row, but i’m nothing if not inconsistent. plus, there are a couple of things i really needed to write down. so moving on.
something that has occurred to me, probably before now but today it hit me like a ton of profound bricks where before it was just a passing thought or feeling shoved to the back of my mind: i am ashamed of myself. i am ashamed of what i have become. i am ashamed of not working. ashamed of being so damn fat. ashamed of being lazy, of not having the consistent motivation to change, of not staying on track w WW or anything else for that matter. ashamed of not being able to just “get over” my mental problems. ashamed of not having stayed consistently medicated & in treatment over the last 17yrs.
where would my life be if i had? what if i had kept up the walking? stuck with what i was doing before when i lost 30lbs. what if i had been on the ball when i was younger & never let myself get to this point? what if i hadn’t let myself get so depressed before that i quit my job & locked myself in my house so depressed i had a psychotic break & my family had to send the police to my house because they were afraid i was dead? if i wasn’t so fat, would i let someone get close to me? you know, in that let’s get naked at the same time & see what happens kind of way. if i let someone get close to me, would i be able to trust them & share who i really am with them? would having that sort of partner help me get better? instead of keeping to myself & not having that physical shoulder to lean on. sex is a nice antidepressant. but i have nothing to offer anyone else right now & frankly, i don’t even want to see myself naked, much less put it out there for anybody else.
now for my second issue: i think my brain is dying. i’d blame it on the meds, but it has been happening for years only now it seems to be getting worse. i get confused. i’ve always been forgetful & scatterbrained, & given to getting confused, but i mean i really get confused about things. in a very early onset alzheimers kind of way. i’ve even considered lately that at some point it might be a good idea to quit driving. which would really, really suck. i can’t think of what i did when i was thinking that off the top of my head, but i have had instances where i just forget things or don’t notice things. i’ve forgotten where i was & thought i was somewhere else before. somewhere else which didn’t have a hairpin curve followed by a stop sign. i could have killed myself & the other ppl in the car with me. i don’t see cars or i see red lights & in my mind they register as green, eventhough i clearly see red. i get confused taking a shower & forget what i’m doing. i often find myself standing in the shower, with no idea of how long i’ve been standing there, & i don’t know what i’m doing. i see all these bottles & start picking them up looking at them trying to remember what i was doing & get my brain to formulate a plan of what to do next. today i had to run out, & when i got in the car i did all the usual things to get ready to go, but when i went to the release the emergency break – it’s one of those under the dash – my mind could not pull up the file on that process. i turned off the radio & knew that wasn’t it, so i just start hitting buttons & flipping switches till something told me to stop, & then i sat there staring at the brake light trying to register how i turn it off. this is a car i have driven for years. then when i got back i went to check the mail. i drove right passed the mailbox & pulled up the garbage can. it wasn’t until i went to flip up the lid that i realized what i was doing. i was really embarrassed because my aunt & some kids were in their yard across the road. plus, i have a lot of trouble with word recall & my ability to type & spell has gone down hill as well. it’s very frustrating.
i’m way behind on my b12 shots anyway, so i’m going to the dr’s office tomorrow & i’m going to bring it up. i don’t know what’s going on, but i think i have chalked it up to being scatterbrained or having low blood sugar for too long. maybe it is related to the bipolar, but either way i think i need answers. though i am also prepared for the fact that i might need to wait until my medicare kicks in to do anything about it. especially since i’m also prepared for my concerns to be written off by the professionals the same way i have been writing them off for years. it’s going to take insurance to find someone to take it seriously.
