so….

bumping along. still a little up & down. just finished a 2wk not sleeping much if at all thing. i was hoping to get an antidepressant when i saw the psych nurse again, but alas since i reported not sleeping i got sleepy pillses instead. but i was in heavy building mode & now that my project has wound down i’m back to sleeping again. mostly. well, i don’t feel like sleeping tonight because i’m feeling moody & don’t want to go to bed & just lay there thinking over all the things that are upsetting me today. (i was chatting w some friends & after i said something one person made a flippant remark & it hurt my feelings. so of course i wasn’t able to just shake it off, but instead i let a few stupid little meaningless words crawl all over me & make me feel like shit. i left the convo & have considered removing myself from the group. i have been a member of this group for more than a year & am rather close to some of these folks. you know, as close as you get online. which we all know can actually be pretty damn close – for some ppl closer than real life. plus, i went to my neice’s bday yesterday & my SIL’s SIL, who not all of you may be familiar with, was my bff for years until our senior year in HS, when i grew some lady balls & quit letting her run over me. also, she got this sleazy bf who treated her like shit & she let him, so i lost all respect for her, & you know you can’t be friends w someone you don’t respect. he talked about her friends. he cussed her like a dog. he even talked about her momma. she might say something to him, but the minute he said he was leaving she would appologize & beg him not to go. seriously. worse yet, without going into the whole thing, but know how they met? she met him when i dated him. from what i have already said about him, you can imagine what a short lived venture that was. you know i do not take bullshit off a man or anything that even thinks it’s a man. i may go through my life single, but at least i’ll through it w my head held high knowing i didn’t sacrifice myself to live under somebody’s thumb. but i digress. so she was there w her redneck husband & two brats. we were friends always growing up, so ppl are always, ‘did you go talk to Her?” No. i managed to go 10yrs w/o having to speak to her until they showed up at the reunion, & eventhough i kept my distance her husband, who was a friend of ours in hs – oddly enough, he liked me in hs, she must love my 2nd hand men – came over & wanted me to come speak to her. well, i fucking did it. but you know, i got fat since then, & she hasn’t, so there was a little snark involved. i even skipped my neice’s bday cake yesterday because i didn’t want her to see me eating it. i’m 35yo & this was something that went down 18yrs ago. is that not the saddest thing you’ve ever heard? i have a fucking master’s degree & a lot of wonderful things i’m done that i can assure you she has not. what am i ashamed of? but i uphold, that the worst thing a woman can do is get fat. it’s like a mortal sin & a moral failure. if i was a better, stronger person i would be thin like everybody else. it didn’t help today that i was reading some forums & had to come across a comment somebody made about “if you eat x & do y you can be a member of the size 0 club.” & mind you, this was a MMO forum, nothing to do w diet or exercise. i don’t even know what was going on in this post. & besides, who wants to be a size 0? last time i checked 0 meant nothing. i think the longing to be nothing is a real problem with women & girls today. plus, the only point to looking like a 12yo boy is to catch a predator. or be a model & wtf is that all about? but again, i digress. just a lot of feeling angry & disappointed today. moody, very moody. though i have been on the full 100mg dose of lamictol for about a week now. i need to check myself for the rash. i’ve been itchy, but i’m always itchy. it’s whatever that skin condition i have it. i should start remembering that. it might be important some day. i’m trying to get my yeehaw together & do something. i haven’t been to a WW meeting in over a month, but i’m still a member. i keep saying i’m going to go, but they i forget. i’ll shoot for this week. ok, that’s a long enough paragraph for one update i suppose. ttyl. stay classy!