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so now it is official i have been approved:~D schwetty balls. that’s all i’m saying. not that it makes any sense (unless you know what i’m talking about) or has anything to do with this post. just something random that popped into my head.
but back to my point. my first payment will be for dec 2009 & i’ll get it about jan 27, 2010, & my payments will fall on the 4th wed of each month. it’s not the money i was making working full time in my professional capacity, but it’s better than i was making at the part time jobs i couldn’t even keep.
they mentioned they are withholding my backpay, which panicked me, till i read further that it is because they will deduct any SSI i received prior to my approval, & send me another letter about my back pay when that is settled. so not bad, considering i will only get one SSI payment before my reg payment kicks in. so my date of disability is nov 2008, which means i won’t be owed anything before may 2009. so my backpay will be for may-dec 2009. that’s 8mos. not too shabby.
i have to say i’m astounded at the speed of this. i applied in august while i was in residential tx, well that wasn’t august, it was august when i finally completed the appl. i think i started it in july, which is when i was in res tx. so i applied in aug & was approved in dec. i have to believe my professional knowledge helped me with my application. i was very detailed & drove myself crazy(er) digging up details for every job, doctor – reg & psych, counselor, MHC, anything at all for the last 15yrs, that i have mentioned anything about my depression, etc, to. & it was a lot. they even grilled my daddy. his take on my problems if that if you can keep the crazy girl on her meds, but there in lies the rub! keeping me on meds & in treatment. crazy people are classically unreliable at these things.
it helped that 15yrs was the exact time span of my treatment history. my first hospitalization was 1994 & that’s where it all started. i told my doctor i was thinking about killing myself, she – with my permission – contacted my mother & referred me for MH tx, the MHC referred me to a psych hospital since i was suicidal. so my appl spanned my entire MH history of tx. i think it also helped that i had a stable job history & advanced education prior to my last break, & have unsuccessfully attempted to work in the years since, plus having my mother’s death & the first holiday season without her being a precipitating event for my hospitalization.
still, i am as floored as i am elated to have gotten my approval this quick. though it makes me feel guilty because so many people don’t have that luck. & it makes me wonder, since they sent me to a psychologist for testing & such before making a decision, just how fucked up am i??? i need to send off to have my testing results forwarded to the MHC for my psych to peruse. hopefully he can shed some light on what they found. i bet getting my brain stuck on george clinton being the president was what did me in, so to speak. but i’ve worked with a lot of clients applying for SSD & i know what a fickle system it is. there is no way of guessing who will get it when.
plus, since seeing online i had an SSD pymt in the works & believing i was approved, & thinking about getting a car & an apt, i have starting having anxiety attacks thinking about when they would evaluate me & decide i’m ok to go back to work & stop my payment. i need time not just to work on myself, but to get myself back into a position of being less risky for employers. this not only means sticking with my tx & meds, but i plan to do volunteer work & take classes, do a little networking in the area of my interests, & eventually begin working p/t again. so hopefully when i’m ready to go back to work i’ll have lots of stuff to say “see how stable & good i am? please over look all the older stuff” & a network of people who feel comfortable taking the chance on me. well, my letter today says i must be evaluated every 3yrs. wow. this again makes me wonder, just how fucked up do they think i am??? “this bitch is crazy. don’t bring her back here for 3yrs.” i’ve been perfectly nice & polite to everyone i’ve dealt with as a part of this process. why do they push me away?:~( they never invite me to parties…
but all in all, i’m just excited about the prospect of having money again! & having the time to get myself together before i have to go back to work – though i can tell from my experience this year no one is welling to hire me at this point, but can you blame them? – & not having to worry about if & when i do get another job, it will end the same as the last handful. i’ll get so stressed out worrying about things, i’ll freak out, & get down so low i end up not being able to get out of bed or call in to work, therefore forfeiting my job through flakiness. this is especially bad when you are a professional. retail & such expect a certain amount of this, but people with master’s degrees & professional licensure are supposed to be more professional than that. guess i proved them wrong. hah hah!
i typed up this post after my exciting bus ride across huntsville to get to the MHC the day my net connection flat lined.
8hrs! that’s how many hours of my day a 30min appt took.>_< & that isn’t counting the our i spent at the library. i had a 12:30pm appt at MHC & had to ride the bus. it took me 3 buses to get there & of course the same 3 to get back, and they all run on an hourly cycle.
i left the house at 9:2?am & got back about 6:10pm. i had to wait just a few mins for the first bus this morning but i’m one of the first stops so i had to ride it all over town to get to the transfer station. i was hungry but there is nothing near the transfer station & only a soda machine, no snacks. which doesn’t make sense, but neither does the fact that the bathrooms are outside. i don’t get that. they are built into the indoor waiting area, and it seems like it would have been just as easy to put the doors inside the building as outside, but whatever. i then had a 45min layover for the 2nd bus, then a 30min layover for the third. thankfully, the third layover was at a mall with build-a-bear, so i went in & got an appl & some free food court samples on the way there & had lunch on the way back.
i got there 30mins early for my appt. i thought it was an hour appt, & by the time i realized it ended at 1pm, not 1:30pm, i had pissed around a few mins & missed the bus by 1min. fudge! i had to wait for an hour for the next one, but i got some work done devoloping my next few chapters some more. on the way back i had the 30min mall stop, then to the library for an hour, where i put in my appl for the temp clerk position (cross your fingers!), then from the library i waited a few mins for the bus (i got there in plenty of time, & it ran 5mins late:~p), & since the library was it’s first stop, i had to ride it around town, but it was on a relatively short loop, hurray! i noticed on the schedule we were scheduled to arrive at the transfer station just 3mins after the next, & final, bus i needed was scheduled to depart, so 3mins before the other bus was supposed to leave we were almost back to the transfer station. i had heard a few drivers calling other buses to let them know they were coming in & had a passenger who wanted to catch their bus, and ask them to wait, so i decided to do the same. sadly, the driver told me that bus had already left (@ 4:45pm! that’s 3mins early!). when we got to the station, i checked my cell by the big clock outside where the buses park, which also tells the temp btw, just so you know, & they were the same. that bus driver deserted me!! so i had to sit for another hour waiting on the next one. then i was glad to be one of the first stops & when i got off it was dark & cold, & i walked a half mile to the house.
my day is in now way improved by the fact that i’ve lost my net connection for some reason. all i know, is i had an update with an auto restart sometime this morning while i was sleeping, and when i woke up the computer seemed hung betweeon off and on. the tower power light was on, but i couldn’t wake it. so i went for the hard reboot & my tower started screaming at me! i had know idea what was happening. they speakers weren’t even on, so it was coming from the unit itself. it didn’t even stop when i pulled the power. i ended up unplugging everything from it & even flipping the surge protector. it eventually stopped by i have no more idea why it stopped than i did why it started, though it did stop when i unplugged the last cords from it, which were the USBs, mouse & wireless network adapter thing. so maybe it has something to do with why my net is now out? or maybe i got some security/firewall update that doesn’t mesh with the settings. all i know is my tower sounded like it was either on fire or i was trying to steal it, or both at the same time. but it was not hot, no smoking or smells. i don’t know. it works fine now though other than no net access. i’m hoping it will right itself. if not, i’ll deal with it when i’m back from TD09. tonight, i’m too tired to care, & it likely means dealing with e. & this would not be the first time he’s cut my access to the network for some petty reason.
ok, i’m done. i came in & typed this up in notepad just so i could truly capture my mood and thoughts at the time. i knew you would all want the fresh perspective.
walked to the store, cooked a pizza, did the dishes – incl the pot of leftover chili they had last night that was left sitting out all night, wiped down the counters & cleaned out the sink – incl all the food leftover in the sink from last night’s meal prep (there’s a disposal), cleaned the bathroom incl the tub, took out the trash from my room, the bathroom, & the kitchen, and vacuumed. all that because i felt good today, not because i was asked, yet it still isn’t good enough. whatever i do around here they always manage to find something wrong. this is not good for my depression/anxiety/paranoia.
well, i’ll be out of here soon enough & it won’t matter. then they’ll have no one but each other to fuss at & when e. runs j. off he can go back to being alone, & when he calls to whine about how he doesn’t have any friends i won’t be sympathetic in the least. knowing me i’m sure i won’t even answer the phone. well, i probably will. we’ve been friends a long time, i just like him better in small doses. & i like j. well enough really, though no one i’d choose to be friends with. he’s too – i don’t know – complacent? willing to just be someone’s door mat. that sickens me.
the library is hiring again, this time for a 5wk f/t temp position over the holidays. this time i will get my appl in on time, even though it’s going to be a PITA because i have a MHC appt tomorrow, right in the middle of the day & i have to ride the bus again. the library is one transfer from here & the MHC is two. i don’t know why the MHC loop can’t just come all the way to the transfer station, but it doesn’t. sure – make the crazy ppl jump through all the hoops to get service. everybody else does:~p but i have to catch the 2nd transfer, or 1st on the way back, at the mall, so that will be a good chance to put in my appl at build-a-bear. doesn’t that sound like fun? there may even be other places hiring i have papered yet. & hopefully i’ll come back from TD09 with a fully operational vehicle, so if i am blessed with an interview and a job, i can just hop in and drive there instead of spending 2hrs on a bus to get 15mins away.
it would seem by the “secret” in secret journal i mean ‘whiny’. though this sees a lot more action than my writing blog, which is much happier, no whining, so i guess the public has spoken. they prefer my misery.
oh yeah, the boy thing? i can continue to amuse myself by chatting with him, but i can already tell it’s not going any further. he has made it to the friends zone & that’s about it.
ever have those days when it seems you’ve no sooner wiped your ass than another dookie comes along? this is one of those days. (i blame billy joe of green day for my need to make a dookie reference. i blame my poor upbringing for my need to use the word shit in a post title.)
my car hasn’t been starting for over a week. my dad came today to replace the spark plugs & wires, which he thought to be the issue. he spent his money to buy spark plugs & wires for my car, had a friend drive him here because his car is trying to die too, and replaced them for me. he also had a fuel filter, but since i rained all morning it was too wet for him to get under the car. he got all this done, then checked the oil. guess what? the oil was muddy. this means water has gotten in the oil. that means the head gasket is leaking & needs to be replaced. that means i still can’t drive it & that daddy has to come back with a trailer & pull the car home to work on it. it looks like the head gasket will run around $50 from what i could tell by googling, but the job requires pulling everything apart to replace it, & then putting it back together. i hate myself. honestly. if i don’t get a job soon, i’m not going to make it. i’m tired of being a drain on those around me. & more generally, just tired of being tired.
ok, wednesday… well, i had a psych eval for my disability appl, & since my car wouldn’t start i had to take. the. bus. i have never taken the bus here & only once in bham. i was concerned because i only had $2 & the appt was across town. so i found the website & turns out is just $1 each way with free transfers. it took me a while to decipher the maps and schedules, & i’m not sure i even then did a good job of it. well, i did succesfully figure out the buses i need, but not the times thing i think.
the bus stop is a little over a half a mile from here & i had to walk. i was pretty sure from the schedule it would run just past the hour, but when i got 2blks from the stop i saw it pass by about ten mins early. so i had to wait an hour in the cold with no seating for the next bus. when the next bus finally came by (i forgot to see what time it ran this time – doh!) i was walking up & getting my wallet out, when he pulled off. i ran a few steps, waving my wallet at him, & the yelled “stop, fucker!” this was right when he stoped & opened the doors again. just in time to hear me cuss him. turns out he just needed to pull up to let some people out of the hardee’s parking lot. woops. at least we had a good laugh about it.
the ride around the rest of the route, which was long because mine was one of the first stops after the transfer station, was twisty & jerky. it made me nauseous. when we got to the transfer station, he gave me my transfer ticket & i put it in my pocket. i had twenty minutes to kill & went to the bathroom, then wandered around inside & outside the waiting area. when my next bus finally pulled up, i couldn’t find my ticket>_< i ran all over looking for it. took everything out of my pockets & searched them multiple times. nothing. by the time i gave up, i nearly missed the bus, but when she saw me running she stopped. i told her what happened & she was kind enough to let me board anyway w/o charging me. yay! i was really nervous because i couldn’t miss my appt & if i had to pay to ride this bus too, i wouldn’t have any money to get home:~/
i was 40mins early for my appt, which really put my timeline for the bus ride into question, as i got there about the time i thought i would have if i hadn’t missed the first bus. after all the morning’s excitement & then sitting around in there for that long made me really agitated. i had to take a mental evaluation & the first after my name, etc, was ‘who is the president?’ i had to think about that for far too long, because all i could think was George Clinton. but yeah, i knew that wasn’t right. & of course i told the lady that. then i met with the psychologist & he asked me some basic questions & such, i felt so awful when i left out of there, but my whole mood had been all up & down all day. by the time i walked from his office to the bus stop across the street, i was seriously contemplating killing myself when i got back to eric. i was crying waiting for the bus, & very set on doing it – just trying to decide if i wanted to drink antifreeze or draino, or go back to trying to cut my wrists. when somebody else came to the bus stop, it made me feel angry & suspicious. but by the time i got on the bus, which i maybe waited 20mins? i felt better & ready to give life another chance. i swear i felt so crazy.
the ride home was much easier. at the transfer station, the bus i was on became the bus i needed to catch there, so no waiting around in the cold. it was only a couple of minutes till ready to go & just a few more mins before my stop. hurray!
so after all that, when eric gets home, he comes in my room & wants to talk. he says he’s sad & he doesn’t have any friends, then proceeds to tell me that while he has given me help i need & continue to need, he thinks he is enabling me, & wants me to move out. i have until march though. he also wants me to start doing the dishes & more things around the house. i decided not to mention that i have been doing that stuff, since apparently the guy who actually gets paid to do those things has never bothered to mention it either. whatever. i’ve been planning to move when i get a job anyway, so hopefully i’ll find one of those soon. i just need to go back to looking outside of hville because this place has nothing for me. i don’t even like it here to tell the truth. though if i still haven’t found a job by then i’m not sure what i’ll do.
my bday is the deadline i’ve set for myself to either get my life on track or end it. i’m done being useless. i’m bored. i’m whiny. i’m tired. i don’t know what i’m going to do, but i hope something comes along soon. a friend in my field in bham sent me leads on some jobs there today, so i’m going to follow up on those. except out of the i think 5 places, one of them is a place i’ve already worked & will not go back to, one of them requires a lot driving clients around in my own car which doesn’t look like a good idea atm, & one of them is in a program for young male sex offenders. i’m not sure about that one. is it odd that i think my breasts might be too big to work in a place like that? i do not want to set myself up in a situation which will only serve to remind me of my youth being fondled & grabbed at. it sucked, not pleasant.
ok, there’s 1350 words i’ve written that don’t count:~p happy?
it’s national suicide survivors day, or something with words like that.
i have to confess, i have never gotten far enough to actually attempt suicide. it makes me feel like a failure, as though i’m not serious & rather than having real pain & problems, i’m just whiny. i do often want to die, but i also know it isn’t normal to feel that way & the bad moods like the good moods will pass. of course after they pass someone always comes around to piss me off & make me wish i had a gun so i could shoot myself in front of them. that’ll teach ‘em. but i digress. (that’s the kind of trick you only get to use once you know.)
i started “practice cutting” this year, cutting at my wrists working on being able to cut deep enough to bleed out. i managed to draw a little blood once, but most of the time i just broke some skin. i’ve cut myself worse by accident plenty of times. i don’t know why it is so hard. i know it sounds silly & awful, but i feel like ppl don’t take what i go through serious because i have never attempted suicide. when you go see someone it is always one of the first things they ask. so when you say no, they want to know why & you’ve been categorized.
i really don’t know what i want. i just know that i over think everything & constantly change my mind. i’ve always been more of a planner than a doer. i spend a great deal of time googling suicide methods, reading about suicide, thinking about how i would do it, & learning from ppl who have tried & failed/been stopped. when i do try it, i am firmly committed to doing it right the first time, which means no chance to change my mind. i don’t want it to come off as a half assed attempt & cry for attention. i don’t want to live with permanent damage, like brain damage if i drink/take something (that would be the worst) or nerve damage from cutting myself.
it’s also hard when your mood/outlook changes every 15mins. but i don’t know. i can’t shake the idea that i’m a failure because i don’t just do it. it’s why i keep thinking i need to set a date & just go for it. i have had a tentative time line in mind for if somethings don’t change & start coming together i’m just going to do it. i want to get through the holidays because i don’t want to make them a sad time for ppl who will miss me. & i know some ppl will.
i know better than to think nobody loves me & my life is so bad. i have & have had a lot of less than happy things in my life, but who hasn’t? i have a lot of ppl in my life who love & care about me. but i think knowing all that stuff makes it worse. it does make it harder to go through with it & just feel like a whiny idiot. but it also makes the way i feel worse because i know there is no real reason for me to feel this way. which makes the problem tougher. especially since it is harder for ppl to understand the way i feel. because while i have had bad things happen in my life, there is no great, widely understandable tragedy to point to for why i feel this way. i think it will be better when i get away from here too.
e. is basically an emotional void. except for when he whines about the fact that he has no friends. i tell him he has me, but that’s not really true any more. i’m just here till i can get out. dear god i need a job>_< even hardee’s won’t hire me. that really sucks. this place sucks for me & i need to move on. i’m looking elsewhere & i’m feeling hopeful. a friend of mine works in my field & where she is at is always hiring. of course that’s because it kinda sucks, but she recently got a transfer & is liking it better. but it will be something to get me away from here. he doesn’t get the way i feel & within a year of my mother’s death was already bored with me being sad about it. she was dead & it was time to get over it. gee, wonder why he doesn’t have any friends. he doesn’t like anyone/anything he can’t understand and control.
there’s j, but honestly he is more of a paid lapdog. he is paid to cook and clean and that’s all he does, & he only does what he is told to do. it’s kind of weird. if he is told to do the dishes, he does the dishes. he doesn’t clean out the sink or wipe down the counters. when he cooks, he doesn’t clean the stove or counters behind himself. he seems to do just what he is told & no more. he plays whatever game e. is into at the moment & watches whatever e. wants to watch on tv & goes & does whatever e. wants to do. outside of choosing what to cook, i haven’t known him to do much of this own thing. but he was like that with this ex. it always annoyed me & is why i never liked him. i can’t respect ppl like that, the mindless.
i’ve considered moving home, but at this point i’d end up living in the apts where my mother died & i don’t want to do that. none of my family has room for me. plus, it’s a factory town & even those have mostly closed down. but you never know. i would like to. but i’d have to get a job out of town, & for me it just makes sense if i’m going to get a job in a town, i’m going to move to that town. i don’t know. maybe i’m weird. i don’t really want to live there, but i would like to be closer to my family.
wow, i’ve written over a thousand words. if only i could put that toward my word count:~)
i’ll try to write about wednesday tomorrow. i didn’t even intend to write this, but was reading k.’s post & just wanted to say why i feel like a failure today & it just took off from there. now i’m going to go try & write a sassy conversation between two cats.
my car won’t start again. this is not what i need.
i can’t stop thinking about killing myself. i feel so trapped, & like the only way out is to die. there is so much going on in my life & inside my head. i’m so tired. i’ve been considering setting a date for it & just doing it. not sure when or how, but i’m not sure how much longer i can deal with this.
i have no purpose. i haven’t heard a peep from the resumes i have out, nor from my attempts to follow up on them, & at this point with my car i don’t even know that it matters. everything seems so out of reach & i hate staying where i’m at. hard to know if my issues with it are paranoia or real, but either way i hate it. i don’t know what i’m going to do, i just need to get all this out of my head.
i’m feeling better that last couple of days. well, not counting the NSA pumpkin pie i ate last night. sugar alchohols are never a good idea>_< my car had quit running, so my dad & little bro came up saturday to look at it. all better now, yay! i had started to feel a bit better when it died on me & that sent me backward into my slump.
though one good thing about the car being out of commission is it pushed me out a bit. i had to walk to the store one day. that was a couple of miles. it was good to get moving again. also, since i couldn’t get to the bank for money to print resumes (my printer is on strike), not to mention i couldn’t get to the library either lol, or money to pay for postage to mail them, i had to google the agency for a phone number & actually make a phone call. the horror! but i did it & was able to get an email address, thus submitting my resumes prior to the deadline. yay!
i’ve signed up for nanowrimo this year. my novel will be a fanciful story that mixes in some of the things with which i’ve been dealing in the last few years. haven’t fleshed my ideas out too much yet, but i’ll be working on that this week.
now if i can just hear some good news from the resumes.
i feel like i’m dead. or dying. either way i’m watching Ghost Whisperer trying to get jennifer love hewitt to talk to me.
i desperately need a shower. but at least i brushed my teeth & changed my undies today. had a psych appt, so i even got dressed. he is switching me from paxil to effexor. hopefully this will work better. or just work at all. but that would be better. he asked me what i’d like him to help me with today. i told him i just want to feel like a human.
when i go out around other ppl i feel like such an outsider. really like i’m an observer, not a part of the life going on around me. all these ppl with their friends & families & lives. living. i feel like i’m not a part of any of it. i don’t belong in this world. i don’t know where i belong. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i just want to crawl into a hole & stop feeling anything. i want to die. i fantasize about slicing my arms open. i also fantasize about setting certain people on fire. we’ll see. (nah, i’m not gonna kill anyone.)
i’ve hunted up some p/t jobs to apply for. hopefully something will come through soon.
e. is being very good about it all. i’m very lucky to have such wonderful & supportive friends & family. i could easily be living on da skreets these days.
went to the library, but too late to get an application & today was the last day. i was so bummed about this, so mad at myself about fucking up again, that i didn’t even go to the gym either. but when i got back to the house, i did watch tv with E & J for a while. that’s something at least.
on the plus side also, i left my packed gym bag & my notebook with resumes & job history & reference info in the car for tomorrow. at least i get my gym bag back together & left the house today & hung out in the living room. that’s a start.
tomorrow will be better.
