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i feel like i’m dead. or dying. either way i’m watching Ghost Whisperer trying to get jennifer love hewitt to talk to me.
i desperately need a shower. but at least i brushed my teeth & changed my undies today. had a psych appt, so i even got dressed. he is switching me from paxil to effexor. hopefully this will work better. or just work at all. but that would be better. he asked me what i’d like him to help me with today. i told him i just want to feel like a human.
when i go out around other ppl i feel like such an outsider. really like i’m an observer, not a part of the life going on around me. all these ppl with their friends & families & lives. living. i feel like i’m not a part of any of it. i don’t belong in this world. i don’t know where i belong. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i just want to crawl into a hole & stop feeling anything. i want to die. i fantasize about slicing my arms open. i also fantasize about setting certain people on fire. we’ll see. (nah, i’m not gonna kill anyone.)
i’ve hunted up some p/t jobs to apply for. hopefully something will come through soon.
e. is being very good about it all. i’m very lucky to have such wonderful & supportive friends & family. i could easily be living on da skreets these days.
damn, erased my post>_<
i’m in a funk. have been for a few days. pretty much been laying in bed watching tv. i hardly eat, even though i’m hungry. it’s just too much effort to fix or go get any food. i really need a shower & a change of clothes. i can feel my old self somewhere inside, she just hasn’t made her way to the surface yet. i’m not sleeping well, having a lot of racing thoughts & anxiety. thinking about past things i need to let go of & things i need to be doing. can’t seem to calm my mind. i need to stop wallowing in my guilt or fear or anxiety or whatever all is going on & get moving. move. move. move. i’ve been on my full dose for 2wks now, so it’s time to start perking up. it’s sad when the thought of taking a shower or going to get something to eat is followed by a fantasy of slitting your wrists.
today i was just not feeling it. i’ve been up & down all day. i never did out of my pj’s, though i did change my undies & brush my teeth. that’s been about it. i have tracked what i’ve eaten today too. it hasn’t been much, but i finished off some junk i’ve been noshing on>_< though i just had a big healthy dinner. lean cuisine pumpkin squash ravioli with a bag of basil vegetable medley. that was nearly four servings of veggies, which is pretty cool. a nice mix of colors too.
i got a mailing for a professional seminar on bipolar disorder today, lol. too bad i can’t go. it might be insightful. it’s very interesting. the more i learn about all the facets of this, the better i feel. a lot of pieces are falling into place. i want to write specifically about some things i find most disturbing, but haven’t gotten my mind to it yet.
one more day of half dose paxil & then i move up to whole tablets. another week & i should be feeling perkier. just gonna take it easy & be patient till then.
i’m so lethargic & unmotivated. i’m just on half a dose of the med now, so hopefully in the next couple of weeks i’ll be feeling better. focusing now on staying positive & getting better, not getting bogged down by negative thoughts/feelings. i did very little of use today, but made a little progress. tomorrow will be better:~)
Met with the new psych yesterday. Not impressed. I told my counselor as much when I met with her later. I wish I could keep seeing the psych I saw in the hospital. He started me on generic paxil. It’s a morning pill so I just started it. Paxil was my first psychotropic med. I think this is the fourth time I’ve been on it. Definitely at least the third time. It concerns me that I’m not on a mood stabilizer too, but I go back in a month for a proper psychiatric intake. apparently one had not been done before & he was quite kerfuffled.
I really like my counselor though. She has invited me to join her women’s group, so I’ll get to see her twice a month instead of just once. Super good. I have far too many problems right now to just be seeing someone once a month, lol.
I dreamed about momma again last night. Woke up really upset. It was a strange & disturbing dream. Nothing bad, just involved finding out she wasn’t really dead she just had to leave. My mother lived in her own pain, & while she didn’t say it in the dream I felt that she had been escaping. She was young again too. & happy. She had to let us think she was dead because she had changed so much. It was bizarre. I think it involved aliens. or god if you’re into that. But when she was telling me what happened I could see her walking towards a big, bright star in the sky. She just kept walking away & as she went she got younger. I told you it was strange.
Just an interesting note, I have to split my pills for the first week & guess what I used? Yes, I split my antidepressant with the knife I last used to cut my wrists. would that be considered ironic?
