Why My Friends Are Like Anti Abortionists

Odd title I know.  But the fact is I feel like those babies.  The Anti Abortionists care so much about making sure those babies aren’t killed, but once the babies are born, where are they?  Nowhere, that’s where.  They only care about fetuses, not children.  How is that like my friends?  Because they seem to only be interested when there is some drama, they don’t care about the day to day.

I feel abandoned, ignored by the people who are supposed to be my closest friends, & that makes me sad.  They have lives, boyfriends, jobs, husbands, kids, friends, they live in cities where there is stuff to do.  I don’t have the privilege of any of that.  I have emails that at least half the time get no response.  I have facebook where most of the time I don’t get any response to my post & it is rarely any of the people I’m closest to.  I have this blog, but guess what?  They don’t read this either.  I am unsupported.

So, I post about something that matters & I’m ignored.  They can’t be bothered to give any acknowledgment they even read it.  They say they do, then have no idea what I’m talking about when I mention something I posted.  I don’t expect them to remember everything or comment on everything, but damn, there’s a certain level required, especially consider how much I respond to their posts & when I see them commenting on other people’s stuff.  Yet I make a post today that I’m taking an indefinite break from Fb, & my inbox is swamped with comments & messages wanting to know what’s going on, did something happen?, we’re going to miss you.

Bull shit!  How they fuck are you doing to miss somebody you don’t pay any fucking attention to?  I might as well be a ghost.  It’s no wonder why I have the really bad spells I feel like a ghost, as though I died & just never realized it.  I am dead, on the inside.  I am a ghost here.  When I want to kill myself it’s all “oh please don’t we love you, we’ll missyou”, but after that where are they?  Not here.  Sure as fuck not hear.  How the fuck are you going to miss somebody who has no place in your life?  You’re not.  If I died today the only thing they’d miss is a facebook friend.  My purpose in life is not to be your facbook friend!

I know I’m not the most communicative person, I have my spells, but you know I do try.  I’m just fucking tired of being ignored.  I don’t need friends to make me feel alone.  I feel like that everyday without them.  In fact, I would rather just not have anyone who claims they are my friend if they can’t be a real friend who can support me, & not just being around when it’s big drama & they get to feel like they’re saving me or something.  How about being there along the way, so maybe I don’t get so low I want to die?  I just fucking want somebody to pay attention to me.  I would like to feel like I matter to someone.  As it stands, I do not.  At least not to my friens.  It’s really disappointing.

I had a long, tough day, & I am just tired of it.  I really don’t see the point in living if even my friends don’t give a shit.  I don’t need or want people who are only interested in the drama.  But, I do have friends who actually bother to reach out to me.  They don’t live close by, but they are always sending me messages wanting to come visit because they miss hanging out with me.  When they find themselves in the area they call me.  Versus the friend who always wants me to visit her at her house or her family’s when she is visiting there.  I am an hour from her house & a half hour from her family, yet she drives right through my town on her way back & forth, goes by just 5mins from me, & I can’t get her to stop & meet me at a place on the highway.  That’s how bad she wants to see me.  She only wants to see me when it’s easy for her.  If it requires any effort, I’m not worth it.

I’m just so fucking tired of this shit.  I hate this town, too.  I’m so fucking ready to run away.  I’d love to find somewhere I could have real friends who care about me & want to spend time with me, & will actually care about what is going on in my life instead of being to fucking absorbed in their own drama to pay attention to what is happening to me.

I just want to cry so bad, but I’m not allowed to cry.  One I cried myself out sometime ago.  I’m dry at this point.  Plus, because of the issues I have, it is always seen as some sort of emergency, as though by crying I’m trying to drown myself.

I’m tired of being disappointed.

I’m tired of being let down.

I’m tired of being inconvenient.

I’m tired of being ignored.

I’m tired of listening to so called friends talk shit about how much the love me when all they’re doing is blowing smoke up my ass.

I don’t want to have to die to get anyone to give a shit.

But that’s fine.  I’m going to focus on the real friends in my life & let the rest of them stew.

so….

bumping along. still a little up & down. just finished a 2wk not sleeping much if at all thing. i was hoping to get an antidepressant when i saw the psych nurse again, but alas since i reported not sleeping i got sleepy pillses instead. but i was in heavy building mode & now that my project has wound down i’m back to sleeping again. mostly. well, i don’t feel like sleeping tonight because i’m feeling moody & don’t want to go to bed & just lay there thinking over all the things that are upsetting me today. (i was chatting w some friends & after i said something one person made a flippant remark & it hurt my feelings. so of course i wasn’t able to just shake it off, but instead i let a few stupid little meaningless words crawl all over me & make me feel like shit. i left the convo & have considered removing myself from the group. i have been a member of this group for more than a year & am rather close to some of these folks. you know, as close as you get online. which we all know can actually be pretty damn close – for some ppl closer than real life. plus, i went to my neice’s bday yesterday & my SIL’s SIL, who not all of you may be familiar with, was my bff for years until our senior year in HS, when i grew some lady balls & quit letting her run over me. also, she got this sleazy bf who treated her like shit & she let him, so i lost all respect for her, & you know you can’t be friends w someone you don’t respect. he talked about her friends. he cussed her like a dog. he even talked about her momma. she might say something to him, but the minute he said he was leaving she would appologize & beg him not to go. seriously. worse yet, without going into the whole thing, but know how they met? she met him when i dated him. from what i have already said about him, you can imagine what a short lived venture that was. you know i do not take bullshit off a man or anything that even thinks it’s a man. i may go through my life single, but at least i’ll through it w my head held high knowing i didn’t sacrifice myself to live under somebody’s thumb. but i digress. so she was there w her redneck husband & two brats. we were friends always growing up, so ppl are always, ‘did you go talk to Her?” No. i managed to go 10yrs w/o having to speak to her until they showed up at the reunion, & eventhough i kept my distance her husband, who was a friend of ours in hs – oddly enough, he liked me in hs, she must love my 2nd hand men – came over & wanted me to come speak to her. well, i fucking did it. but you know, i got fat since then, & she hasn’t, so there was a little snark involved. i even skipped my neice’s bday cake yesterday because i didn’t want her to see me eating it. i’m 35yo & this was something that went down 18yrs ago. is that not the saddest thing you’ve ever heard? i have a fucking master’s degree & a lot of wonderful things i’m done that i can assure you she has not. what am i ashamed of? but i uphold, that the worst thing a woman can do is get fat. it’s like a mortal sin & a moral failure. if i was a better, stronger person i would be thin like everybody else. it didn’t help today that i was reading some forums & had to come across a comment somebody made about “if you eat x & do y you can be a member of the size 0 club.” & mind you, this was a MMO forum, nothing to do w diet or exercise. i don’t even know what was going on in this post. & besides, who wants to be a size 0? last time i checked 0 meant nothing. i think the longing to be nothing is a real problem with women & girls today. plus, the only point to looking like a 12yo boy is to catch a predator. or be a model & wtf is that all about? but again, i digress. just a lot of feeling angry & disappointed today. moody, very moody. though i have been on the full 100mg dose of lamictol for about a week now. i need to check myself for the rash. i’ve been itchy, but i’m always itchy. it’s whatever that skin condition i have it. i should start remembering that. it might be important some day. i’m trying to get my yeehaw together & do something. i haven’t been to a WW meeting in over a month, but i’m still a member. i keep saying i’m going to go, but they i forget. i’ll shoot for this week. ok, that’s a long enough paragraph for one update i suppose. ttyl. stay classy!