going crazy(er)

i feel so alone.

I feel like no one could ever love me.  no one will ever love me.  i asked the magic 8 ball & it told me i would never find my forever love.

i feel hopeless & useless & worthless & disgusting.

i want to change, but it doesn’t feel worth it.  i don’t feel worth it.  why does it matter?

i feel like i’m losing my mind.

i don’t feel like the world things i’m worth the effort either.

i want to disappear.

drop off the face of the earth.

i want to cease to exist.

i feel invisible.

i want to put a bullet in my head.

everything is so hard.

i’m tired of feeling empty & numb & worthless.

i’m tired of being ugly & lazy & stupid & useless.

i’m just tired.  none of it matters.  this doesn’t matter.  i don’t matter.

why bother?

i can’t get to a gun, but i do have access to household chemicals, including rat poison.  i have been researching what eating the rat poison would do to me.  i’m just so tired.  i don’t think i’ll ever be happy again.

so the universe might implode…

sure it’s been awhile since i posted two days in a row, but i’m nothing if not inconsistent.  plus, there are a couple of things i really needed to write down.  so moving on.

something that has occurred to me, probably before now but today it hit me like a ton of profound bricks where before it was just a passing thought or feeling shoved to the back of my mind: i am ashamed of  myself.  i am ashamed of what i have become.  i am ashamed of not working.  ashamed of being so damn fat.  ashamed of being lazy, of not having the consistent motivation to change, of not staying on track w WW or anything else for that matter.  ashamed of not being able to just “get over” my mental problems.  ashamed of not having stayed consistently medicated & in treatment over the last 17yrs.

where would my life be if i had?  what if i had kept up the walking?  stuck with what i was doing before when i lost 30lbs.  what if i had been on the ball when i was younger & never let myself get to this point?  what if i hadn’t let myself get so depressed before that i quit my job & locked myself in my house so depressed i had a psychotic break & my family had to send the police to my house because they were afraid i was dead?  if i wasn’t so fat, would i let someone get close to me?  you know, in that let’s get naked at the same time & see what happens kind of way.  if i let someone get close to me, would i be able to trust them & share who i really am with them?  would having that sort of partner help me get better?  instead of keeping to myself & not having that physical shoulder to lean on.  sex is a nice antidepressant.  but i have nothing to offer anyone else right now & frankly, i don’t even want to see myself naked, much less put it out there for anybody else.

now for my second issue: i think my brain is dying.  i’d blame it on the meds, but it has been happening for years only now it seems to be getting worse.  i get confused.  i’ve always been forgetful & scatterbrained, & given to getting confused, but i mean i really get confused about things.  in a very early onset alzheimers kind of way.  i’ve even considered lately that at some point it might be a good idea to quit driving.  which would really, really suck.  i can’t think of what i did when i was thinking that off the top of my head, but i have had instances where i just forget things or don’t notice things.  i’ve forgotten where i was & thought i was somewhere else before.  somewhere else which didn’t have a hairpin curve followed by a stop sign.  i could have killed myself & the other ppl in the car with me.  i don’t see cars or i see red lights & in my mind they register as green, eventhough i clearly see red.  i get confused taking a shower & forget what i’m doing.  i often find myself standing in the shower, with no idea of how long i’ve been standing there, & i don’t know what i’m doing.  i see all these bottles & start picking them up looking at them trying to remember what i was doing & get my brain to formulate a plan of what to do next.  today i had to run out, & when i got in the car i did all the usual things to get ready to go, but when i went to the release the emergency break – it’s one of those under the dash – my mind could not pull up the file on that process.  i turned off the radio & knew that wasn’t it, so i just start hitting buttons & flipping switches till something told me to stop, & then i sat there staring at the brake light trying to register how i turn it off.  this is a car i have driven for years.  then when i got back i went to check the mail.  i drove right passed the mailbox & pulled up the garbage can.  it wasn’t until i went to flip up the lid that i realized what i was doing.  i was really embarrassed because my aunt & some kids were in their yard across the road.  plus, i have a lot of trouble with word recall & my ability to type & spell has gone down hill as well.  it’s very frustrating.

i’m way behind on my b12 shots anyway, so i’m going to the dr’s office tomorrow & i’m going to bring it up.  i don’t know what’s going on, but i think i have chalked it up to being scatterbrained or having low blood sugar for too long.  maybe it is related to the bipolar, but either way i think i need answers.  though i am also prepared for the fact that i might need to wait until my medicare kicks in to do anything about it.  especially since i’m also prepared for my concerns to be written off by the professionals the same way i have been writing them off for years.  it’s going to take insurance to find someone to take it seriously.