i’m not sleeping.  i sleep maybe 5hrs at night, & not even every night.  sometimes i only sleep every other day.  i don’t want to sleep.  i don’t want to lay there doing nothing.  even if it seems like i do nothing all the time to ppl, i’m always writing or planning or making lists or making something or listing to something or reading something or chatting w ppl, though i always put on my happy face & never talk about how i feel.  it’s why i have this.  nobody reads it.  i can say how i really feel & it doesn’t matter.  some of my friends used to read it, but nobody does any more.  i guess i’m just too much to deal with.  which is why i know it is for the best i keep to myself & only deal with ppl online.  ppl don’t really like me.  they like an idea of me, the funny, happy, nice me.  they don’t like who i really am.

but i’m tired of being alone.  i’m tired of being this person.  i’m tired of me.  i’m just so tired.  i’ve been crying.  running a mental inventory of what i have access to that would kill me.  sometimes i think i’m just drama, but tonight it feels so strong.  i was “practice cutting” last year, barely managed to draw blood, but i was working on getting passed the fear of hurting myself to be able to slit my wrists & died.  i got put in residential treatment for that.  tonight feels like that.  i can see myself doing it in my mind so vividly, & feel the blade in my wrists.  i called the suicide hotline, but only ended up whining & crying, & then getting angry & hanging up on the guy.

i don’t know what i’m going to do w myself.  i’m so tired of feeling this way.  i feel hopeless & worthless.  i have no reason to live.  nothing matters.  i’ve ruined my life.  i’ve lost so much.  so many painful memories.  i just wish it would stop.  & nobody can tell me why i should live.  what purpose do i have?  what do i have to live for?  what does it matter if i’m dead.

i wish i had the guts to do it.  i’m thinking about dropping out of counseling too.  there’s really no point to it.  it doesn’t change things.  & i don’t want to go back there anymore.  i’m really angry, really hurt & let down.  i just wish it was over now.  my life is so worthless.


is all we have, but what do you do when you don’t even have that?

ok, so after asking this question, Lonestar’s “Mountains” came on. (no, i don’t need to explain why i’m listening to country to you. :~p)

“There are times in life when you gotta crawl,
Lose your grip, trip and fall
When you can’t lean on no one else,
That’s when you find yourself”

(Lyrics from CowboyLyrics.com)


sounds about right.

first, an update on the meds situation.  i got a call from one of the therapists at the MHC regarding my grievance on friday.  she talked to the p-nurse, who had only been told i was closing my case, but was not aware i was out of my meds.  as i been out for 3dys & so far hadn’t croaked, & she was working in another agency on friday, tomorrow (monday) she is going to call me when she is back in the office & go from there.  i’m still angry & concerned about this issue though, but i’m waiting to see what comes of this before i take any further action.  specifically, i’m waiting to find out how much of what happened was due to actual clinic policy & how much was just ignorant receptionist bullshit thinking she knows something about how the mentally ill should be treated.  maybe my master’s degree & years of experience with mentall ill clients doesn’t qualify me to have an opinion, but i’m pretty sure a receptionist who probably doesn’t have much more than a high school diploma isn’t qualified to make such decisions, especially decisions regarding whether or not someone actually needs medication.  but maybe that’s just my crazy talking.  bitch.


so anyway… there are some things going on around the house, that seem to highlight my mental/emotion dysfunction.  when i first started seeing my current therapist, she mentioned they would be considering me for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.  i think today is a prime example of why that fits so well.

while i was away at college my father’s now ex-gf had converted my bedroom to storage.  it’s also worth mentioning here the water heater is in my room.  so fast forward to this year.  i move home with the expectation of cleaning out the room to use again.  alas, this is a tiny place & for all the junk that was moved into the room, new junk streamed in to take it’s place so there is nowhere to clean the old stuff out to.  while working out the details of the situation, the water heater died.  after digging through the junk to find the problem with the water heater, it was discovered it had been leaking for some time & had spread out through the room, so now everything floor level, including the floor, had molded & the water heater had finally just burned out.  i’m allergic to mold & have had some very serious health problems related to living/working with it, so i was gone when they drug stuff out & replaced the water heater.  the mold itself wasn’t really cleaned up, the room has just remained shut off.  so i’m still sleeping on the couch.

this week, my aunt bought her son a new bed & gave daddy the old, but still really nice & comfy looking, twin mattress & boxsprings, & frame for me.  the thought of having an actual bed to sleep in is tantalizing, but the idea of having to clean out that room is horrifying & exhausting.  a lot of what is in there will just need to be thrown away, & what is good will have to find a place.  the walls will have to be cleaned & the flooring pulled up to get it clean & dry underneath.  this will be a good chance to lay down some new tile in there, which will be nice.  i wanted to paint the walls in there anyway, so they won’t really be a big issue because i would have had to clean the anyway.  just a little extra work to getting them clean & letting them dry, then base coat them with killz & paint over that.  it’ll be fun, like an adventure.  i do enjoy painting.  (i like doing all the proper prep work & taking my time to do a sharp job, then standing back & admiring how much better my work looks than other people who have painted.  petty sure, but it makes me happy.)  but i digress.

the point of all this, is that the thoughts that have been tickling my brain since the bed showed up were solidified today when daddy announced he would be cleaning out the room on tuesday.  no, not the “omg this means doing work” thoughts (it’s a very small room), the other ones.  the ones who keep running around in a panic shouting about how this means daddy hates me.  he wants me out of the way.  he wants to lock me away in that room so he doesn’t have to deal with me anymore.  why does everything i feel come down to people hating me?  can it not simply be, that he knows (because i told him the other day) the mattresses can’t sit out in the carport till he gets around to it.  the carport is covered but not enclosed.  they are going to survive the winter out there.  can’t it be because he loves me & doesn’t want me to have to keep sleeping on the couch, keeping my clothes in a suitcase?  why does my mind not focus on all the loving reasons he could be doing this?  why does it immediately go into panic mode because this means he hates me & doesn’t want me around?

it goes back to a convo i had with my therapist about how it is hard for me to build new relationships, because i just don’t “connect” with people.  for me, identifying someone as a friend is a matter of logic more than emotion.  i don’t generally feel like someone is my friend.  i feel like ppl hate me & i’m just in the way.  ppl want me to come visit & when i do, i spend the entire time fighting this overwhelming feeling they wish i would leave.  i have no idea what it means to be normal, or how a normal person visits.  i don’t like having company myself.  i really do like keeping to msyelf & doing my own thing.  i prefer my friends online.  i like the ocassional pre-arranged visit, because it gives me time to mentally prepare to entertain ppl.  though, i’ve never minded my close friends coming over as we can hang out without me having to worry about entertaining them.  but in general, my home is my fortress of solitude.  ppl exhaust me, easy to understand given how much panic & anxiety being around them causes me, so home is the place where i don’t have to worry.

but all in all, this makes it hard to make friends or even be a friend.  it’s hard for most ppl to develop those bonds with someone who doesn’t seem to have much interest in talking to you or hanging out with you:~/  i try, but i don’t like talking on the phone, & otherwise have trouble finding my balance in how often to visit.  i either want to be over there all the time or never.  i don’t have any local friends now, but i’m trying to get my friends on a monthly rotation, so i’m being social on at least a monthly basis.  it’s healthy for me.

when i think about why i am the way i am, a lot of it is genetic.  my mother’s side of the family is rife with mental illness, particularly bipolar & depression.  which includes suicides, abuse,  & violence, oh & substance abuse.  can’t forget that.  growing up i alternated between being mommy’s beloved princes & being her favorite target.  maybe it was because i was the most sensitive, though most likely it is because of the secrets i didn’t learn until adulthood.  i represented a great disappointment in my mother’s life.  when she was in a mood, she would call me names, tell me how ugly & lazy & stupid i was, tell me how she wished she had never had children, & that she wished it would die.  she did the hitting & throwing stuff thing, too, but you can imagine that never hurt quite as much as the verbal abuse.  when i think about all that, it is easy to see why i don’t feel like a person anyone could want or love.

i have been researching & making a list of information related to suddenly stopping lamotrigine & the withdrawal affects.  i met with my counselor today & discussed the situation with her.  she tried to get me in to speak w the director, but he was busy.  got a card though.  i went to the NAMI monthly meeting today & aired my grievance there.  it was (of course) agreed by all in attendance, professional & consumer alike this was a serious issue of immediate concern.  i got the contact info for my state MH rep & called her leaving a message for her to call me ASAP (it was after 5pm when i called & no need to go 911 on it).  the meeting was at the MHC, so i completed a grievance form before leaving.  i actually caused a ruckus with that, because it was time for them to lock up when the NAMI meeting ended, but i refused to leave till i finished my grievance.  she tried to tell me i had to leave & bring it back tomorrow.  i told her i lived a half hour away & would not be bringing it back; i would be done in a minute.  as i was & turned it in.  still working on my letter to oprah, obama, & glenn close.  & anyone else who will listen.

Had an infuriating experience at the MHC this morning & as a result will no longer be using medication in my treatment.  Having Bipolar Disorder I am concerned about this, but their policies have shown me that the “professionals” do not consider me taking this medication to be very important.  For the full story, I am just going to c+p my post to the psych central forums.

Begin c+p:

I have been going to the local MHC here for a few months, since I moved home & actually managed to get in there (which is another story of incompetence itself). I’m in a rural area & on SSD, but my Medicare won’t kick in till next year so I have no insurance till then. I am on SSD for my Bipolar, so mental health treatment is the most important thing for me right now, as I previously worked as a professional & hope to get back on my feet & able to return to work. The MHC is a half hour from me & even if I had insurance there is nowhere else here to go without driving closer to an hour.

So, I have been on generic Lamictal for the last few months, & we have been working to get the dose right. The nurse has only been prescribing me enough medicine at a time to get me through till my next appt. I already had to postpone this appt due to having to be in court last month, so I had to move my therapy appt back, & they wouldn’t let me see the nurse till I saw my counselor. I skipped a few pills here & there, so I had enough to get through till today without running out. So today, I was running late. My clock showed closer to 5mins late, but the clock in the reception said 10mins which is the cut off, so they would not let me see the nurse. The next appointment I could get was a month away. When I mentioned I would need some more meds to get me through till then, I was callously told I couldn’t have any more meds till I saw the nurse.

I left hurt & confused. I know I was late & I understand needing to reschedule, but I don’t understand why I have to go off my meds for a month over 10mins? I have been very regular about keeping my appointments. I have been late once before & had to reschedule a therapy appointment. The last time I was there I got called out because I had to cut my hour therapy appointment down to half an hour because my gas light came on as I pulled up & I need the rest of the money to get home. I never got to talk to the nurse, this all came from the receptionist.

After leaving I decided I was not going to do the bouncing on & off medication thing. By the time I get back in to see her, the lamotrigine will be out of my system & I’ll have to start all over building back up to my current dosage. So I called the MHC & told the receptionist to cancel my appointment, I was going to be going off my meds permanently & will no longer need to see the nurse. I also asked for the nurse’s voicemail to leave her message letting her know why I would no longer be seeing her. I was told she doesn’t have voicemail & had to leave a message with the receptionist. I have yet to hear from her, but there’s still a couple of hours left in the business day. If she calls me back I’m hoping to get her to either call me something in or advocate on my behalf, & on behalf of others in the same situation.

It’s either important that I take the meds, or it is unimportant. My meds can’t only be important when I’m on time. And if they aren’t important, why bother? Everything I’ve read points to NOT suddenly stopping lamotrigine.

The official Lamictal site:

  • Stopping LAMICTAL suddenly can cause serious problems.
  • Do not stop LAMICTAL without first talking to a healthcare provider.

    from crazymeds.com:

    Like any anticonvulsants, if you’ve been taking Lamictal (lamotrigine) for more than a couple months and you’re up to or above 100mg a day (give or take, depending on other meds you might be taking) you just can’t stop cold turkey if you’re not at the therapeutic dosage for another anticonvulsant that you know works for you, otherwise you risk partial-complex, absence seizures, or even tonic-clonic grand malsdespite your never having had a seizure disorder before! The risk is worse if you’re taking a lithium variant, and/or any antidepressants, especially Wellburtin (bupropion hydrochloride). Even if you are taking something else Lamictal (lamotrigine) has its own set of issues with sudden discontinuation, namely intense headaches and sudden, intense and sometimes suicidal depression. That’s right, Lamictal (lamotrigine) will give you headaches when you take it and it will give you headaches it you suddenly stop taking it. Anyone with a history of a seizure disorder who needs to stop taking an anticonvulsant cold turkey needs to be discussing that with two neurologists and not getting your information from some stupid web site. Get off your computer and start making appointments!

    For an agency established to assist people with mental health problems, & this includes my experiences with other MH agencies too, I feel as though we as consumers are punished for exhibiting the symptoms of our disease. For today specifically, I understand I was late & they needed to reschedule me to avoid backing the entire schedule up. I get that, but what I don’t get is why I so casually forced to go cold-turkey on my meds? I went through this repeatedly with the whole MH system where I was living. Including having to go off meds everything I transitioned from the hospital to MHC to residential treatment back to the MHC. Every time I was turned out with no meds & told to get them from the MHC, who refused to give me anything till I saw their psych who always then started me on something entirely different.

    Long story short, I feel like I am being punished in a very cruel & callous fashion, that is completely unethical. I was 10mins late & I’m being treated like a pillbilly who only shows up with I need a fix. I make all my appointments, am honest & active in my therapy, take my pills regularly as prescribed (cash pay btw, they do not provide them for me), & on my own time work towards improving myself & my situation. I am so confused & angry about this. Even if I don’t hear back from the nurse, I have an appointment with my therapist Thursday & I’m going to discuss it with her & see what she can do. I’m ready to report this to NAMI & my state, & anyone else who will listen, but would love some feedback from you guys. How standard is this practice? Am I overreacting? Did I bring this on myself & therefore deserve to have the meds pulled out from under me?

    Thanks to those of you who take the time to read all this & thanks again to those who leave their 2c below.

    EDIT: Forgot to mention I have been on 150mg qd.

    i have so much inside me, but i don’t know how to express it.  i have really felt the need to update, but i just don’t know what to say.

    things are bumping along.  i’ve lost some more weight so that is good.  still not sleeping & even taking two of the sleeping pills i’m awake in a couple of hours.

    my online social life is good.  i’ve been swapping messages with a few guys from a dating site & one asked me on a date.  i’m just not sure if i’m ready to commit to a date.  but i think i’m going to do it.  the one guy i was really interested in from the site seems to have lost interest.  & off the site, there is a guy i have been MMO friends with for a few years, & i have come to like him more than i think i should.  especially this year we have become closer & he’s even opened up to me about his personal life & taken an interest in mine.  sometimes i think he likes me as more than a friend, actually i’m sure he does, but then, i don’t know.  i think we are both afraid to make a move.  we have been friends for too long to risk it i guess.  but he makes me incredibly happy but he also breaks my heart, all without knowledge.  i just really need to get out in the real world & find someone.  i know i could if i’d just open myself up & take the chance, but now just isn’t the time.  i don’t feel like i have anything to offer another person, certainly nothing to brag about.  but it would be really nice to have someone special in my real life.

    ok, my sleeping pills are kicking in, so going to bed.

    Bipolar Disorder & the Americans with Disabilities Act

    Chronic Stress Leaves Mark On Depression, Bipolar Genes

    Mood Vs Behavior Disorder (this is a good one for me.  if i could/would improve my behaviors i believe my mood would improve, but there in lies the rub.)

    i’m taking the higher dose of lamitrogine.  it’s only been a couple of weeks, but not feeling any better.  i’m respecting the psych nurses decisions to wait & see if we can get the dosing of this one drug right before we add anything else, but i wouldn’t mind getting an antidepressant sometime soon.

    i skipped a couple of WW meetings, so I really, really meant to go yesterday.  I was not feeling it & farted around till i didn’t even have time to take a shower first, & i really needed one.  but i pushed myself to go & washed up quick before hand.  not having a shower, & that i really needed to do laundry so my clean clothing choices were down the stuff i don’t wear much for various reasons, added to my discomfort, but i went & just kept to myself (which is actually pretty typical).  well, i went to the bathroom & looking at myself in the mirror i wanted to run away, but you know how shitty everyone looks in fluorescent lighting.  so i stayed the course & went in & got in line for weigh-in.  while i was in line i was so stressed, i felt like crying & even noticed my hands shaking as i help my card & book.  but i held on & made it through the line, weighing in, & stayed for the whole meeting.  i lost 6.2lbs over the last 3wks.  yay!  so a total of 17.something lbs lost.   yay again!  so i even made sure to stick around to get my gold star after the meeting.  so i did it.  i hated it, but i did it.  go me!  i have been slacking on my walking, but next week will be better.

    i had to push back my therapy appt on the 3rd because of court being earlier than i had expected.  so my appt is next week.  i also had to push back my psych appt because i had to see the counselor first, so that is early october.  sadly, i’m not sure i will make it next week even.  the ticket & traffic school really put a bite on my income this month, so i have been holding on to $11 for my appt.  if i only do a half hour instead of a full hour, but the issue will be gas to get there & back.  i won’t ask anyone for the money, so i’ll have to see what i can dig up.  i don’t want to have to push it back again, because then it will have to be in october & that will also mean pushing my psych appt back, too, which will likely mean running out of meds since i only get 30dys at a time.  i think i can do it though.  i have a little savings i can tap.  i hate to bust into it, but isn’t that what savings is for?  oh yeah, i hadn’t even thought about the 2nd savings acct i have here in town.  it isn’t much, but i can get a little of it out to buy some gas.  yay!  problem solved.  i need to start adding more to it at some point.  i started it several months ago, & have only made one withdrawal, but i have never made a deposit beyond the opening.  i have a savings acct linked to my checking acct too, but that regularly gets used.  i try.  every time i use my debit card $1 is transferred to the savings acct, so it never gets too big, but it does build up a little, so i have a little spare fundage when i need it.  i also have a $100 transferred into it at the beginning of the month, but that ends up just being held so i have something for the last half of the month.  oh well.

    my budgeting is going well.  it was very eye opening to make a list of all my bills & other reg pymts like med costs & appts.  & the spreadsheet i made lets me track all that, & special expenses for the month, then take what’s left over & divide among either four or five weeks, depending on the month.  that gives me a clear view of what i can spend from week to week, & still have all my bills/expenses covered.  ok, so i hate living on a budget, & what i have in a week sucks.  i haven’t yet been very good at keeping within my weekly, but the overage goes to the next week & okay, i end with nothing or next to it the end of the month, but it is better than it was & i can relax a little knowing i don’t have to worry about a bill coming through i can’t pay, or not having the money for my pills or appts.  this month not withstanding.

    i should be asleep, but i just don’t care.  i feel like crying, but i’m too numb.  i wish somebody cared.  i wish somebody was here to hold my hand.  i wish i could reach out to someone.  i wish i had someone to reach out to.  i wish i was dead.

    i wish i could stop wishing i was dead.  but i can’t stop.  it keeps going, running round & round inside my head.  i keep thinking about the rat poison now.  or just running away.  i just wish this would end.  i’m so tired.  tired of everything.  tired of this place.  as it stands, i have nothing to live for.  there is nothing in my life for me to hold on to.  no one to miss me if i’m gone.  my life is as empty as i am.

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